So, you’ve made the journey to Mundaring so you may as well adopt the local customs while you’re here. Remember, they don’t take kindly to strangers ‘round these parts so do your best to fit in. Let’s go.
1. Look down on Perth both figuratively and literally
Mundaringites pride themselves on two things. Their view of Perth and their independence from Perth. Standing atop the hill and looking down on the west coast metropolis is nothing short of a religion.
So find yourself a nice vantage point and denounce your former flatland existence with some other locals. Try to ignore all the major chains around Mundaring that are relentlessly trying to drag the hills suburb into the modern age, however.
2. Sculptures by the park
Speaking of major chains, Mundaring is a real hub of shopping centre consumerism. Woollies, Coles, and an Aldi! What is this, Kwinana? However, where there are supermarkets there are trolleys. Where there are trolleys there is creative expression. If only you had a local sculpture emporium nearby… oh wait you do!
So gather a few and contribute to the Mundaring-famous Sculpture Park with your own artistic stacking of trolleys. There is a little Perth Banksy in all of us and what a canvas!
3, Honkey nut heaven
While you’re at Sculpture Park don’t miss an opportunity to channel your inner school kid and send a green honkey whistling at the head of your own offspring. Or someone else’s if they won’t stfu while you’re trying to take in the serenity.
For an added challenge, get your kid on the flying fox to give yourself a moving target. Will people view this as abuse? No, it’s nostalgia. A massive difference. Just like when you get a carton of Masters and play barcode bash with ‘em.
“I never knew my kid could run so fast but you know what’s faster? My absolute cannon of an arm ha ha. Got him” – Testimonial from Carl
4. Ditch the car
You probably used half a tank struggling up the hill so why not ditch the car and adopt a more “Mundaring” form of transport? Get your hands on a ride-on mower and cruise around. No one will bat an eyelid!
The ride-on mower is especially useful if you have a hankering for some dirty bird. With one of the toightest drive-throughs in the game, you’ve got no chance of getting your obnoxious dual cab through unscathed. More on the ride-on life HERE.
5. Dress to impress
Remember, Mundaring is a nuanced suburb of the hills. They pride themselves on being the nutritious corn kernel in the eastern suburban turd. Obviously, rolling in dressed in fancy Perth garbs is a no-no but make sure not to look like a Stoneville hick.
Scrape a bit of dirt off those boots, button up that flannelette, and make sure that HiVis is popping. It’s the attention to detail that will help you fit right in between a Stone(ville) and a hard place.
“I could tell my fancy Acqua di Gio was irking locals so I grabbed a pair of tracky dacks with JUST the right amount of assorted animal urine on them. Magic” – Testomonial from Jack
6. Letterbox madness
Something very peculiar happens to a person once they reach a certain number of kilometres outside the Perth metropolitan area. They suddenly have an unquenchable thirst for the most over-the-top letter boxes they can think of. So join the fun.
Where to start? Well, judging by many of the boxes on offer the key is not to overthink it. Just head to a garage, grab as much random shit as you can, and then have at it with a welding kit you picked up from Bunnings. The more grotesque the better.
7. Get your tin foil hat on
All that fresh air and space in the hills can lead one to ponder some of the bigger questions in life. 15-minute cities, fluoride, is 5G transmitting a microchip to everyone in the goal of creating a new world order, etc etc.
Batshit flourishes in the hills and you should not feel bound to existing conspiracies either. Go wild with it. You know why they are trying to get you to use convection stove tops right? Yep, lizard people.
“After visiting Mundaring I smashed my phone and advised my colleagues that if they wanted me they could reach me by carrier pigeon. It’s all about control, you see” – Testimonial from P Evans
8. Get a little bit of what Kalgoorlie is on at the Mundaring Weir
Whoever thought it’d be a good idea to trust the hills with the Goldfields water supply was truly a visionary. While you’re checking out the dam, feel free to try a bit of the water from the weir.
Why? It holds the secrets to why Kalgoorlie is like how it is. After just one handful of water you’ll be wanting to pack your old life in, develop a semi-troubling dependence on canned bourbon and strike gold. That’s the power of the Mundaring Weir.
9. Live out your Tour de France fantasy on Mundaring Weir Road
A true classic with Lycra Warriors. It’s a hell of a climb though so make sure you’ve loaded up on plenty of flat whites at your pre-ride cafe takeover.
What’s the difficulty of this climb? Well, the physical aspect will ask a question of you. Also, the number of angry hicks trying to get around you will ask a more poignant question of you. Perhaps a question you won’t want to answer. It’s all part of the fun though.
10. Cruising down the hill like you’re in Mario Kart
What goes up must come down, unless you have been adopted by a local hobby farmer and enlisted to fight the impending cashless economy. Don’t fear though, leaving Mundaring is one of the better activities to do in it!
The descent is a work of art. Feel the rush of dodging trucks stuck at 40kph, right lane bandits, and of course one of Perth’s premier multinova and speed camera stretches. Why you may ask? Well, this hill makes Canning Highway look like Mundaring residents’ perception of the shape of the Earth.
RELATED: WA’s First “Ride-on Mowerplex” Planned for Mundaring
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?