Kewdale is a tradie’s paradise mixed with some classic and progressive Belmont characteristics. Make it yours today.
1. Bow before the Bin Chicken kingdom at Tomato Lake
If you want our inevitable overlords to spare you once they enact their takeover, you’d do well to head down to Tomato Lake and bend a knee in front of the glorious Bin Chicken Stronghold.
For true connoisseurs of beauty, perhaps take a date to the swamp boardwalk and dance the day away to the beautiful song of the bin chicken. There is something about those deep, haunting honks that will surely get you in the mood.
2. Go full Belmont after dark
Naturally, any public space is fair game in Belmont for a little public nuisance session but few parks in the area have the same amenities as Tomato Lake. It’d be rude to go all the way to the City of Belmont and not crack a few tins after all.
Just make sure you don’t get your car locked in as Tomato Lake has done its best to deter rowdy after dark activities but closing at 7pm. Be warned.
3. Attempt in vain to get the basics of driving through a Perth skull at Peachy Park
On the topic of Kewdale parks, you can’t go past the innocuous Peachy Park. Some might just dismiss it as another generic suburban dog shit depot but you’d be wrong. Peachy Park is at the coalface of defuckifying our roads.
How? The bike path is set up to teach young ones advanced concepts such as giving way, anti-speed measures and even a roundabout. So go and impart some wisdom on your kids knowing it will go in one ear and out the other as they blossom into their final form as a true Perth driver.
Peachy park has also made a bold attempt to deboganify Belmont with a little kids EV charging station they can play with. Bogan kryptonite!
4. Claim some territory at Reading Cinema
In any fair society, Kewdale could rightly claim a slice of Belmont Forum as their own. If you look at the suburb boundary it is indisputable that Reading Cinemas is on the Kewdale side of Belmont Ave. Just look at this diabolical dogging of Kewdale:
What to do with this information? Well why not head down for a lovely afternoon film and get into a classic cinema floor smash with some Cloverdale punks who think they own the Forum. That’s classic Belmont for ya.
5. Go talk to someone about where tf your 70 series is
Now onto the other side of Leach Highway to go see a man about a dog. Toyota headquarters stands proudly in Kewdale and if your 400 emails about the status of your 70 series are going unanswered you know where to go.
They are also building a brand new distribution centre down the road. Pretty handy to go look for some electric windows when you finally receive your baby and realise you’ll be cranking that wank-arm all summer.
6. Go and give Coca Cola some of your water for free
While not the HQ, Coca Cola does have a manufacturing facility in Kewdale and clearly the Westralian thing to do is to go and offer them your water free of charge so they can sell it back to you in a bottle for a healthy profit.
Do as any good Westralian should and fill up your Eski or Kmart knock-off rambler and go and help out a battling company. When the world finally knows the name of Coca Cola you’ll be richly rewarded!
7. Kewdale Central
When one normally sees a “central” in a suburb one thinks about a mecca for convenient shopping needs. Kewdale Central is decidedly a lot more Kewdale than that.
Essential shopping in Kewdale is clearly a place to do piss tests, um, mining, dongas, a cafe and some sushi. Don’t forget the Tav, situated right in the midst of the Kewdale industrial area it is a great place to have a drink in maximum visibility.
8. Valley of freight
While your on that side of Leach, it’s would behove you to take a gander at the great valley of freight. In fact, it’d be safe to saw Kewdale is about 30% trucks. Which makes that area great fun to drive in.
Just remember to repeat the mantra “without trucks, Australia stops” and then all you really have to do is hold onto your steering wheel and pray to whatever god will listen as truckies embark on their adventures around you.
9. Just try to leave Kewdale
The best part about visiting Kewdale is you may never be able to leave. Why? Well, just have a look at the delightful arterial roads that surrounds her – Orrong, Abernathy, Tonkin Leach and Roe. Absolute clusterfucks if you time your exist poorly.
That’s what you call a shit sandwich. Your best way of escaping is to the North but bear in mind this will eventually lead you to Great Eastern Highway. So yeah, just accept your new life in Kewdale, driving isn’t worth it.
10. Chase the cheese-dragon
Kewdale is undoubtedly a tradies paradise and the industrial area is absolutely littered with lunch bars enticing you with their bain marie goods.
You could lose half a day chasing the cheese-dragon and no one would blame you for a minute. Perhaps bring some Gaviscon.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?