1. Stepping up to the tongs
The BBQ is the most important part of the spread and not everyone is cut out to don the tongs. If you’re not up for the task then detong yourself before a coup d’etat is launched preventing you from scorching any more essential protein and failing to double click like you should.
Sure you’ve got a lot of convincing arguments in your mind why your plant based soy turkeydog thing is “better” than a sausage but no means no. If someone isn’t willing to buy a ticket on the turkeydog express then they’ll have to live with that every day of their lives but it’s on them.
3. Rotate thy chip for a double dip
we’re all adults here and there’s no reason half a chip has to go in dry just because of the more uncouth members of the double-dipping community treating that dip bowl like a hole in the wall of a public toilet stall. Strike the balance, rotate to the untainted side and enjoy cross contamination free snacking.
4. Handful size of chips
Shout out to all the people who are going to take egregiously large handfuls of chips and have to suffer the shame of the pile’s structural integrity crumbling while someone is asking how work is going. Don’t worry, they’ll still think you’re a winner.
5. Keeping the cob & potato salad peace
they are the crown jewels of the grand final day spread and you better believe the master craftsman behind them wants the crown. It’s your job as a gluttonous slob is to stuff your face and then provide immediate positive feedback. Or there will be blood.
6. The froff switcheroo
look it’s not illegal to come in hot with a 6 pack of TEDs or Tun or whatever despicable swill you want but if you stash them in the esky and raid everyones actual drinkable beers then no one is ever going to ask you to be their kid’s godparent. That’s all. Just your entire reputation and respect in the community.
7. Craft drinkers
you are going to lose your high ground on how much better your beers are when you’ve gone through the 4 cans you brought and are forced to beg for the froffs that you previously asserted were beneath you. Maybe if each can you brought didn’t cost $30 you’d have enough to get to half time.
8. Low & slowers
It Isn’t the time for a 45 minute lecture on how to “really BBQ” – speaking of you people. Refrain from bailing the tongsman up and forcing your low & slow life story on them. Sometimes a little urgency is needed on the grill and not everyone wants to wait until 8 pm for a brisket to be ready that is likely as tough to get through as a chat with you.
9. Lollies
did you get lost on your way to an end of semester year 5 party? Grow up. However, if you do have a “rolf palate” go and chew your party mix with the Sportsballers and the token pies supporter that seems to be in every social circle.
10. Freeloaders
didn’t feel like bringing anything? That’s alright, times are tough but understand that the host will have to send a message to everyone and that will come in the form of getting your marching orders to go and get some more ice. Enjoy your walk of shame as you reflect on how hard it would’ve been to bring some ovenable party pies.