Since time began, humans were forced to work together towards a communal goal. Alas, that goal appears to be losing one’s faith in humanity. Here’s why.
Snitch – snitches start their life as the sort of infant a Spartan would torp 80m off a cliff. It’s not their fault they were blessed with no discernable skill or talent so they lean on the ancient art of being a slimey little dobber all while pretending to be cool with whatever little scheme you have going.
Brown noser – similarly, brown nosers compensate for their lack of natural aptitude by passionately french-kissing their superiors ‘oles every chance they get. It’s a truly undignified spectacle and only serves to inflate management egos and enable their horrible banter.
Power tripper – like short, bald cops, you know giving these types a smidgen of power is going to result in a raging red rocket of authority that will be aimed straight for your leg. Obviously they are never given any real power as doing so could rip the fabric of space and time as we know it.
The megaphone – this cretin is believes a noisy workplace is a happy workplace. From listening to their shit music through their headphones at full volume to breathing like Clive Palmer at the Sizzler salad bar when a new tray of potato gems came out. You name it, they project it.
Lazy sack of shit – it’s almost admirable how religiously they stick to their official work description and the lengths they’ll go to to avoid lifting a finger to help anyone else. As frustrating as they are, at least you can be sure their ambition won’t get in the way of your plans. You’ll probably find them on the throne most days rubbing one out.
Toilet monster – speaking of the throne, some people seem to think workplace bathrooms are the reincarnation of a brutal dictator and must be punished with every ounce of bodily fluid they have. How did that smear get on the wall? Is that… oh god it is.
One upper / pathological liar – every river of shit needs an alpha croc to rule his patch. No matter what story you tell he’s got a better one. Seeing their brain gone into overdrive as they make up some lie on the spot is like watching a master craftsman work. Truly amazing stuff. As far as terrible coworkers go at least these people give you a good laugh (at their expense).
Niche interest guy – getting corned by the niche interest guy and having to hear about his latest ice bath or paleo meal prep is pretty rough stuff. Naturally, the requirement to maintain a cold civility with coworkers will mean they’ll never truly know the feeling of conversational imprisonment they bestow on you.
Passive aggressive note leaver – the pen is mightier than the sword and this coworker knows it. Occasionally their gripes are valid (as banal as they are) but you are left wondering who appointed them the sheriff of this here town. Challenging their authority will however result in further notes!
Person who says they are going to quit every day but doesn’t – the office, bar or worksite squidward is a seething ball of bitter rage. They hate everything about the job and can only communicate in the medium of company slander. Alas, despite their daily promises to quit they never do. They just keep coming back and sour the already sour vibe in the kitchenette.
The nepo baby – Western Australia was founded on nepotism and the only real qualification you need these days is for your old boy to play golf at the same club as your employer. Alas, this leads to the worst type of coworker, one that is every negative trait on this list rolled into one and guess what, he’s getting promoted well ahead of you.
The kitchen pest – much like the bathroom monster, the kitchen pest seems to think that basic levels of hygiene don’t apply outside the walls of their own house. They also make microwaves complicit in unspeakable acts of culinary cruelty. Just awful.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?