1. Try to beat old mate’s plane complaint record
One quick look at High Wycombe on the map will tell you all you need to know about the suburb’s soundtrack. Yes, there are screeching tyres and road-raging banshees but there’s also a nice steady stream of plane noises coming from the Airport. You’ll have your work cut out for you though as the record stands at 21,000 complaints in a year. Good luck!
2. Go lost tourist spotting at the traino
Perth loves putting trainos in the middle of nowhere and High Wycombe is a shining example of the need to drive to the train station. It is also notable as it is connected to the airport line and it’s only a matter of time before an international family realises the horrific mistake they have made thanks in no small part to the terrible signage at the Airport. Hey, might as well give up on Perth and embrace your new life in High Wycombe.
3. Pour out a little Woodstock in honour of the traino
Never forget when Metronet almost started a civil uprising in High Wycombe by calling the new train station “Forrestfield” in the planning stages. If there is one thing High Wycombe people won’t stand for it is being tarred with the Forrie brush. After all, High Wycombe is the thinking man’s Forrestfield.
4. Eat like a King
Not like any King but one of those old school fat, gouty Kings because the official cuisine of High Wycombe is bain marie fodder. You are never too far away from the enticing mystery meats and battered perfection in one of Wycy’s many lunch bars and delis. Enjoy living your life $2.50 at a time and may god have mercy on everyone next time you need to use the bathroom.
5. Get some hot deals at the local Coles
Deals are so hot that they set off the sprinkler system. Yep, someone decided it would be a good idea to light up some toilet paper after the Grand Final in the Coles at High Wycombe village. Perhaps someone was taking out their frustration after repeatedly missing out on a pallet of TP during the spicy cough days. We may never know.
6. HODL with your diamond hands
High Wycombe is truly a cashed-up bogans paradise and no CUB utopia would be complete without a Bitcoin machine, which you can find in the Wittenoom IGA complex. A true master would hit it big on the TAB across the road and then come in and turn that useless cash to the currency of the future. Don’t listen to what your ex-wife says about your financial literacy, you almost retired by 30 last time!
7. Choose your froffy fighter
High Wycombe has two prominent watering holes which offer slightly different experiences. As by law, all pubs must be located next to shopping centres in Perth suburbs and the Wycy Tav offers you a convenient pub/carpark/GP combo if you happen to lose whatever beef you started and need some medical care. The Boab has a childcare centre so you can let the boganlings play while you get frisky next door with your latest Bumble disaster. Something for everyone!
8. Dog park battle royale
Bringing your own unique brand of bad dog ownership to the big stage is a tradition in High Wycombe. Whether you don’t feel like tidying up after your pooch, try to sneak a large animal into the small dog section or if you just love screeching because your fur baby received the same training as your average Perth truck driver. All are welcome.
9. Keep up the honky nuts tradition
While not as famous as the Forrie and Kalamunda honky nuts, High Wycombe has one too on Kalamunda Rd. As per tradition, every couple of weeks someone is legally obligated to dump a load of dishwashing detergent into the water and watch that baby foam up. Sure, people might look at you like you are 13 but it’s tradition so allow it.
10. Skate park
Every great suburb needs a great skatepark. This concrete playground is perfect to relive your youth and bless you with a free ticket straight to the Midland hospital. Or you could do your best to make a few extra bucks selling your kid’s ADD meds. How nature intended skate parks to be.
11. Do a burnout
Unsurprisingly, High Wycombe is deep in burnout country and the evidence of these smokin’ tyre displays are all over the roads. To that end, they have installed a number of anti-hoon requiring you to stop to let another car progress. Naturally, this only serves to present a challenge to the hoon mind. A challenge they can’t resist! Better book the Commodore in for another wheel realignment.
12. Show some love to the mighty High Wycombe Bulldogs
To walk on the same hallowed turf as the Bulldogs is an honour and you know you are in prestigious company when you see the bespoke club themed benches on the ovals. That’s the sign of a proper footy dynasty right there. All that’s left is to enjoy a game of footy with a decidly Wycy crowd.
13. Aggro driving industrial area
If you’re still not satisfied then perhaps head to the High Wycombe industrial area for a masterclass in getting tailgated and wondering if a truck has allowed adequate braking distance for you. Enjoy the streets before stepping up and taking on The Roe Highway, if you dare, you’ll need all the aggro driving skills you learned to handle that arterial piece of shit.
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