West Perth is admittedly a weird suburb. It hasn’t got a major supermarket, it’s about 30% arterial roads and cracktivities are ripe. Nevertheless, there’s more than meets the eye in West Perth.
1. The land of spending other people’s money
West Perth is home to many speculative smell cap miners who are hoping to hit the jackpot and become the next Newcrest. All they need is your money! Lots of it.
What a marvel to walk the same streets as potential titans of the Westralian dream. It’s the epicentre of boom or bust culture and to fully enjoy it you are highly advised to borrow money from someone to fuel your adventure. That’s the ASX way.
2. Enjoy Kings Park
Kings Park is probably one of the world’s best central nature spots. You can enjoy everything from getting high and hooning around on rental scooters, getting prosecuted for trying to steal flora, and play hide the finger with bae on a picnic rug overlooking the beautiful Perth skyline.
Not comfortable with such acts in public? Well don’t be shy, Kings Park is so comfortable with its reputation for passion that it has erected the DNA tower in honour of all the baby gravy splashed on its hallowed turf.
3. Be in the presence Scitech Dome
Arguably Perth’s most iconic landmark, the Scitech Dome has been an angelic beacon of light for many a farked up punter trying to keep their shit together as they are taxied in and out of Northbridge.
Taking a few moments to appreciate the Dome will do wonders for your inner Perth zen. You may even feel like getting some knowledge through your thick head and going inside for some science.
4. Join a car cruise at City West
The beauty of City West is it is a one-stop-shop for all your car cruise needs. From meeting up with the fast & furious crowd and then heading back many months later to sort out that pesky licence suspension.
If you aren’t feeling the need for speed you can always rack up some credit card debt or go find a massage or something.
5. Enjoy Baysie’s most promising successor
Sutherland St Bridge doesn’t have the scalps Baysie does but she does alright. With a 3.7m clearance, she is actually toighter than Basie by 0.1m.
Sadly the poor girl often goes hungry as it clearly isn’t the same truck-popular route as former Queens in Bayswater.
6. Cropdust at Watertown
Finally, a shopping centre designed for the pisswreck, cheese-sausage enthusiast that leaves a trail of destruction everywhere they go.
Watertown is an open air experience (apart from the actual shops) and can do wonders for helping dilute some of the gnarlier smells that come with conventional shopping centres.
7. Get Pickled while you still can
There is just something about a thriving local space with a unique identity that makes big business want to pull out their massive dickvelopment and stick it deep inside it. In this case, a Bunnings and generic rich kent apartments.
So enjoy the quirky Pickle District while you can, perhaps enjoy a picnic next to Graham Farmer Freeway in the art park or get some galleries up ya before lowest cultural moments are just the beginning.
8. Show everyone what you’re working with on Jacob’s Ladder
In the wild Savannah of Perth’s fitness scene, one watering hole attracts the thirstiest of animals. So why not join the daily inclining catwalk and show every other hard body what you’re operating with.
Extra points for giving out unsolicited advice to people running and of course, stretching up top in a manner that emphasises your bulge. Don’t forget to post about it on Instagram.
9. Congestion centre
Driving around West Perth can be challenging to say the least. It is home to some of the worst Freeway spots in the City. This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise given about a quarter of the suburb is arterial roads.
To truly saviour the West Perth driving experience you’re advised to cause a multi car pile up because you came to realise that the only way you’re getting across to the lane you need is to call that Ranger driver’s bluff. Turns out, he wasn’t bluffing.
10. Talk some shit about The Terrace
One doesn’t simply work in West Perth and not form a very strong view about the supremacy they have over the real CBD. It’s a classic case of boutique-firmitis but it’s not a bad shout.
Sure you don’t have all the bar & restaurant options of the CBD and other professionals view you as a small time hick but at least the vibe is pretty chill. That’s gotta count for something.
11. Show some respect to the site of the ol’ Hydey and KFC combo
Back in the day, the Hydey was the number one spot for live music of pinga fuelled DnB nights. It was also famously next to a KFC that would’ve seen its fair share of the best worst of Perth humanity.
What an iconic combination. Right now, the gentrified pub stands next to an empty lot. It’s enough to shed a tear but always good to go and reminisce about what on Perth last proper pubs.
12. Get Strata’d
West Perth is well and truly Strata-town and you might be thinking, well how do I get to enjoy that experience if I’m just visiting? Well visitors can often cop the worst of Strata-sheriffs just by existing on their property!
Enjoy the unbridled fun of being a guest in your mate’s strata pool with every NIMBY eye watching your every move. Did you just accelerate slightly to dive into the pool? Playing your music above a whisper? Not on their watch, you piece of shit.
13. Uncle Dan’s carpark adventure
Still looking for things to do? Well, the car park outside the Hydey & Dan Murphys is a fantastic place to put your no claims bonus to the test. It’s not the lay out of the car park as much as it’s the motorists who seem to navigate it with all the care and skill of a Pygmy hippo trying to get into a bath tub.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?