They call it Perth’s second CBD. The “heartbeat” of the North. A mighty City of the sprawl that is packing a few delicious surprises. Enjoy.
1. Your one-stop criminal justice stop
You really can’t fault the convenience here. You have the nightclub, the cop shop, and the Magistrate’s Court all within earshot of each other. It’s never been more convenient to radically change the course of your life because you couldn’t handle someone looking at you.
2. Watch the NOR secession in real-time
For years, Perth has sat back and largely tried to ignore what Joondalup is doing but make no mistake they are consolidating their power – hospitals, a CBD, and more retail than you can poke a stick at. It’s unquestionably the jewel in the sprawl crown and it can only be a matter of time before they try to secede from Perth. We can only hope the wall they build is thick and impenetrable.
3. Babysit like a pro
Whoever had the idea to put a pub next to a Timezone was nothing short of a genius. You can literally supervise your kids while smashing back pints at the Sovereign Arms. That’s looking after kids like a pro. Supervise smarter, not harder. Need a few more hours to seal the deal with that NOR cougar? Send the kids to see a movie at Hoyts. Next door too.
4. Brave the great eshay corridor in Lakeside
Don’t go leaving Lakeside before you’ve marvelled at the delicious planning in one of the main corridors – in one fell swoop you have Hype, JD, Foot Locker, and The Athletes Foot in the one area. Just asking for little eshays to try their luck with the pair of Red Nikes they just tried on. Watch out, you don’t want to get bowled over!
5. Esh out at the traino
Speaking of that, it would be amiss to visit Joondalup and stop off at the infamous traino. To get the proper Joondy line experience, you should bring a vape, a scooter and a bad attitude. Your main activities will be loitering, spitting and vaping where the sign says you can’t. You bad arse!
6. Get a little confused at the sports arenas
Nothing like supporting the mighty West Perth Falcons in the far reaches of Northern Perth. To make it better, it’s also the home of the mighty Joondalup Wolves. We don’t even have wolves in Australia but that doesn’t matter. Let the slightly confused sports utopia fuel you as you threaten to follow an umpire home. That’s the WAFL way.
7. Hydrate your photo-blog with a shot of the water tower at night
Water towers hold a special place in Australiana. The Joondalup one is particularly creepy and the lights from nearby shops give it a nice glow at night. So you don’t want to miss that for your photo-blog. Just be careful where you step, wouldn’t want a cheeky prick from a used hypodermic needle!
8. Avoid clogging up the Northern front of our health crisis
Speaking of medical emergencies. Try not to have one. Joondalup Hospital is already under enough pressure being the major emergency NOR and it doesn’t need your touristy-arse adding to that wait line. To this end, please avoid doing anything to antagonise a Ranger driving tradie on Joondalup Drive. Like doing the speed limit or indicating into their lane. More on the health crisis HERE.
9. Enter a Hitchcockian nightmare on the Yellagonga Park Trail
Nothing like checking out some of the local birds. No, that’s not the advice of a toey Joondalup geezer, it’s the advice of anyone wanting to enter a true bird utopia and conquer their phobia once and for all. Or have a nervous breakdown at Raptor Ridge when they see a mighty bird of prey. Could go either way to be honest.
10. Walk amongst the valley of credit card debt at Joondalup Square
Once you’ve had enough of the soothing, avian-screeching it’s time to enter the valley of credit card debt and hear some human’s screeching at retail workers. To the west of Joondalup Drive, you have an eye-watering collection of warehouse shops to lay a 20 punch combo fatality on your already burgeoning debt. You name it, they got it.
11. Level up your school holiday game in the northern sector of random-shit-to-do
While you’re still in the valley, you should take a few notes on how to become the master of keeping your kids occupied during school holidays. Littered in between car warehouses are a myriad of random activities. Laser tag, bowling, indoor beach volleyball, and play centres. The works. It’s a weird area but it works.
12. Find a way to appear on the Joondalup Wall of Fame
What an honour. To join the likes of Langer, Priddis, Dellecqua and Ricciardo. Of course, you’ll probably have to get a bit more inventive with how you become a Joondynality. Perhaps you’ll take out the record for most hours spent commuting to Perth on the Mitchell Freeway?
13. Help dig WA out of the skills hole
Joondalup is truly an education paradise. So get off your lazy arse and help dig WA out of its skills shortage hole. You can become an English tradie, likely going into carpentry or painting. Or you could become a cop or a teacher. Hey either way someone is going to take a swing at you one day, so you may as well get paid for it.
14. Slag off the Australian cricket team
Much of Perth’s northern sprawl belongs to the English. Joondalup is no exception. With less than subtle traces of the motherland all over. So why not take the opportunity to engage with some of the locals and have a bitter, jaded discussion about how Carey should be tarred and feathered for what he did to Jonny B.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?