A suburb that has kelm-scott it all! Plan your next weekday getaway to sunny Kelmscott today!
1. Pay your respects to the final resting place of Sizzler
Kelmscott was one of three Perth suburbs to defiantly fly the flag of regression in the face of a society that no longer felt it needed Sizzler in its life.
Please head to the site on the corner of Albany Highway and Davis Road and drop a cropdust for a lost homie. Just like they would’ve wanted. Will the same fate await the last Hog’s Breath in Perth (naturally in Kelmy)? Time will tell.
2. Have a punt
There’s no TAB anymore so you’ll have to try your luck the old-fashioned way and drive on Albany Highway. There is no shortage of potentially hazardous situations on that lawless chunk of infrastructure hell, so roll the dice today!
3. Prepare for the Armadale Line closure with a traino party
In just 20 days, the Armadale Train Line will close and the mighty South East will essentially be cut off from the rest of Perth society. For some, this will mean they sleep much sounder but for others, it’s going to be a dystopian replacement bus hell.
So cherish the train line while you still can for a while and blast some Aussie hip hop from your phone while sucking on a cream canister or whatever it is they do. More on the train line closure HERE.
4. Get nice and greasy in Red Roota’s spiritual homeland
Yep, the first Roota was established right here in sunny Kelmscott and the Tropicana pack changed the way WA felt about stuffing a greasy feed down their chook hole while waiting to buy a bag of something in the car park.
So what better way to honour this energy than by doing just that? Kelmscott Plaza’s car park is absolutely perfect for this. More on fast food HERE.
5. Shop ‘till you drop
Speaking of the Plaza, when it comes to shopping Kelmy has options galore. The Plaza is the “traditional Kelmscott experience” while you can pop over the road for a decidedly more boujee experience at Stargate (pinch yourself or you might mistake yourself for being in Claremont).
When you’re done make sure to tick off a quintessential Kelmy experience and eat your bodyweight in Pizza with a Tippy’s Titanic – the pizza UberEats can’t handle.
6. Water your grass
Lord knows no one is talking about your verge. That ship has sailed. While the suburb might be drier than Clive Palmer’s wife on date night, that doesn’t have to mean the many backyard and cupboard setups in Kelmy sharehouses need to be.
It’s a perfect area to grow a little something with the vast area and police frankly having more pressing concerns.
7. Get high in Kelmy
It’s all the rage and you can go about any way you like but if you want the best high you need to bang it up Canning Mills Road.
Not only will you get a great view of the city but you’ll get to enjoy one of Perth’s top spots for rusted metal shit everywhere. Including a mildly unsettling fence of lost bicycles.
8. Treasure hunting in Banyowla Regional Park
You’ll never know what you’ll find along a trail in the Banyowla Regional Park – if you’re lucky perhaps a blue fairy wren! If you’re unlucky future exhibits in a criminal trial…
If you’re moderately lucky maybe a blue fairy wren sitting on top of some dumped furniture. Surely it’s not the locals doing this, must be those Gosnells’ animals who are jealous they don’t have a nice hill.
9. Coming down in Kelmy
What goes up must come down and the temptation to glide blissfully down Canning Mills Road on a scooter or skateboard might be high. Alas, the many, many patch jobs you’ll see on that road should dissuade you from any lunacy. So rather than donate some skin to the road, descend peacefully back into heaven on Earth.
10. Antique car spotting
If the rusted-out vintage shitbuckets at the top of the hill don’t tickle your pickle then the modern antique car surely will – the angry Commodores with that cursive writing sticker on the back. Kelmy is popping with them and you should count your blessings every time you pass one (or they cut you off) for one day, they will be no more.
11. Show those Mount Nasura snobs some Kelmy pride
Can really boil your Kelmy piss when you run into one of those Mount Nasura elites swanning around with their nose in the air.
They might consider themselves the gem of the South East but they’ll come crawling back in Kelmy when they need to get some shopping done. You’ll know it when you see one so don’t hesitate to give ‘em a Kelmy Bulldogs chant.
12. Marvel at the Valley of Smash Repairs
In the market for a car part? Or maybe you just love the eclectic vibe of an industrial area that consists of mostly smash repairs, op-shops, and lunch bars? Either way, you can truly lose yourself in the Kelmscott Industrial Area. Please make sure you have at least a few hours for this activity.
13. Get into a dog classification biffo at the dog park
Kelmscott has a pretty good dog park but for one fatal flaw. They decided to give the medium dogs a significantly larger area to play. Naturally, this provides you the opportunity to try to pass off the clear 30kg wolf you own as a medium dog and get into a nice little dog park biffo with other owners. Precious memories.
14. Get Extreme
Kelmscott has a bit of an extreme side. Be dodgy car park deals out the back of Dans, BMXing or a quaint little playground in Rushton Park that provides a surfing and snowboarding simulator which are great ways for an over-ambitious day drinker to run an absolute train on their ACL.
Truly, elite amenities and a lot less glass than the Fancote Park castle.
15. Live like a King
The Kelmscott Castle in Fancote Park is truly a regal experience. Swan around like royalty as you play with all the pretty gem stones that have been forged from two King Brown bottles smashing against each other in mortal kombat.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?