So it has finally happened. You are facing every Perth resident’s nightmare. You are moving to the other side of the river and you’re wondering how you’ll cope. Not to fear here is a list of the best ways to get used to your new life SOR.
Siren alarm clock – this is a super easy way to start your full transition. Replace whatever dogshit alarm you have to wake you up in the morning with the sound of emergency services blaring in your ear.
Will this be an abrasive & unpleasant start to your morning? Obviously but that’s something you might want to get used to buckeroo. Depending on how far down the Kwinana Freeway you land.
Get a SOR-scented rag and sleep with it – another trick you can do in your sleep! You’ll have to collect the dominant aromas of SOR and infuse them in a rag. Much like getting your dog used to a new pet, this will prepare your senses for what lies ahead.
So, what aromas you may ask? Try to harness the essence of a fresh burnout tyre, the blue/green algae stank of the Canning River, some stale sheep piss from a truck tearing down Leach Highway and finally, the Dare & dart infused breath of a SOR river local barking at you in a Belmont car park.
Plan your escape route – when it comes to clusterfuck roads NOR & SOR have their fair share but the key difference is you’ll be less used to the SOR shitshows and every second counts when you have an aggrieved Hilux driver on your tail.
It’s really a matter of ripping off the bandaid. There’s no easy way to introduce yourself to Tonkin, Roe, Orrong, South, Leach, or Stock. Study maps, test the waters at various times, and remember to never rely on Kwinana Freeway and its 1000-year road work program.
Learn to speak the SOR language – if you want to fit in you’ll have to immediately stop bringing up unflattering comparisons to NOR. No one SOR wants to hear it and it’s the fastest way to experience some SOR pub car park hospitality.
So, practice a few of these phrases in the mirror, “South Beach is great”, “So glad I can shop at Garden City over Karrinyup”, “Bibra Lake shits on Herdsman Lake”. Etc. It doesn’t matter if you don’t truly believe these things, it’s just to help you ease into your new life. More on SOR beaches HERE.
Embrace the anonymity – due to the rareness of people moving to the other side of the river you’ll finally be able to go late-night shopping without running into every single person you never wanted to speak to from school again.
Now, this is Perth, so you’ll still run into about half of those people but at least you’re given a fighting chance on the other side of the river. It’s not much but you made the choice, buddy. So get used to it. More about late night shopping HERE.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?