G’day pelicans and pelicanettes, Keifo here to help yous be less shit at loife. Every site I go on I’m hearing about the price of pints at the pub. Time to stop whinging and get on with the job like I would. Here’s how:
Pre-drinking – most cunnys reckon you grow out of pre-drinks by the toime you’re in your mid twenties. Not me. I don’t set foot in the pub unless I’m at least a 6 pack of Mercury hard cider deep.
They’re cheap, delicious and pretty much guarantee me a lift to a bed from a cop or ambo ha ha. Just don’t be a weak prick and pay the court fine and you’re on top.
Go last in the round – They don’t call me ol dusty wallet for nuffin. I’m a master of making sure my round is near the end. This provides plenty of toimmme to plan your ghost. You’ll have had enough piss in ya so it’s not like your hurting yaself.
Every drop counts – there’s a foiiiine loiiine between mooching and wanting to experience new things, ay. That’s why I always ask someone if I can try their drink ha ha. Don’t care what it is, as long as it has a % attached to it, I’ll ask to try it.
They think I’m just being curious not cheap. Can easily rack up an extra 1 drinks worth in a noigght with the Keifo sampler technique.
Abuse the benefit of the doubt – you ever heard that saying the cunstomer is always roight? Well, it’s true. Make sure yas rotate bartenders and take a BIG first sip before telling them it tastes like shit and to replace it.
Maybe claim some little shitkent kid tripped you up and that’s why you’ve got beer all down the front of ya shirt. Deffs not from skulling 3/4 while out of site of the bartender. That’s another whole drink by the end of the night on the house. Drink smarter not harder.
Bait and switch – there’s a reason old Keifo is the best in the business at this. Now, this requires keeping an eye on the bar and when there’s enough fresh pints on offer make a diversiiooooon to draw people away from their spots.
I like to say some junkie dog is getting bashed outside or telling everyone to check out the soiiize of this shit I just seen in the toilet. Once you draw em away, swoop in on that pint you’ve had your eye on and relocate areas.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?