If you’re honest, you probably mentally checked out of work some time back in May but those feelings are only going to get more and more intense. Don’t fight it.
Excruciating coworker small chat doesn’t seem that bad all of a sudden
You can barely believe it yourself but you start to find yourself indulging the weird guy’s conversation about ice baths over going back to your desk to continue the procrastination chicken dance. What have you become?
Naturally, this has its limits and there are some conversations you just can’t stomach but as the clock ticks down towards the Xmas break you may even find yourself in a riveting conversation about the admin lady’s cat’s latest minor medical procedure.
Your Fuckit Bucket is getting dangerously full
You no longer feel any remorse in dumping a dickload of work on yourself in the new year. That’s future you’s problem and you’re really struggling to give a shit. No wonder future you hates you so much.
Will this inevitably end up in you having a post-holiday existential, stress-induced attack when you return to work in the new year? Absolutely. Nevertheless, you keep piling more and more work into the fuckit bucket.
Your excessive coffee breaks are beginning to destroy you
A coffee break is the oldest trick in the book for breaking up your day. Alas, you’re needing to break up your day into 10 segments now and frankly that amount of coffee is turning you into a nervous wreck.
Sure, you could go for some decaf but you also want to FEEL something. Even if that means cold sweats, existential loathing and a strong desire to smash 3 pints at lunch just to take the edge off. Swings and roundabouts, baby.
You’re deeply pondering the actual consequences of telling your boss to fark off
It’s probably a fantasy of 90% of Australian workers. That sweet thought of telling your uninspiring, lazy boss to take an extra plate to the fuckoff buffet.
The only difference is now, you find yourself thinking about it a bit too much. Really working out what would happen. After all, in this current state of mind, you truly believe your work needs you more than you need it. Despite what your nagging mortgage might say.
You’re treating the most basic duties of your employment as if you were doing someone a favour –
Speaking of your work needing you. You are considering performing even the most fundamental responsibilities of your role as doing work a huge favour. It’s almost December and they should be paying you extra for this.
This mentality also extends to you work hours and how you present yourself. They should be giving you a fuckin’ medal for ironing your shirt to come into work in the last few weeks of the year.
Your lunches are getting hazardously wet
Speaking of a more fluid concept of work hours, you are beginning to enjoy lunches that resemble full-blown Sunday sessions. An hour and a half has become your minimum break and while you concede that 4-hour banger on Tuesday was taking the piss, you don’t care.
It won’t be long until your work day is from 9 am to 1 pm and the remainder is spent pushing the definition of “lunch” as far as it’d go. Who doesn’t finish a good lunch at 9 pm as the weather heats up, ay? More on long lunches HERE.
You can’t even be bothered with your usual ruses
Ifyou’re honest with yourself you were never winning an employee of the month award anyway but during the year you cared enough to at least disguise that fact.
Job dodging & looking busy were the tools in your lazycunt-belt and you were the best at it. Now you can’t even be bothered scattering some random files across your desk to pull off the illusion of work.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?