So you’ve emerged from your outer suburban cocoon and want to spread your wings as a glorious wankerfly in Perth’s inner suburbs, ay? Well, there are a few things you should know to adequately prepare yourself for the sea change. Let’s go.
Be at peace with the parking shitshow – gone of the days you could have 4 mates park up on your front lawn like some big-living-outer-suburban land baron. Oh no, if you wish to throw a little soiree or even have a friend visit you’d best be across the inner city parking fuckery that awaits you.
Stingy time limits, aggressive parking inspectors, and spaces tighter than Clive’s top button will await you. You should have your own parking space that you may lose a few nights of sleep thinking about when you’re away from it. Is some filthy freeloader parking up in your real estate? The horror.
Accept your cat swinging days are behind you – speaking of soirees. If you do wish to throw one you’ll have to get a little inventive with your space. Unless you’re some baller who can afford a house in the inner-city you’ll likely be shacked up in an apartment or a townhouse.
This of course comes with the issue of neighbour noise. Ever wanted to know exactly how many pumps your neighbours got before the sweet release? Well wonder no more. You’ll get a blow by blow account every night. Yew.
Become a food expert – when confronted with more food options than you can point a stick at there is only one reasonable course of action – appoint yourself the new judge on Mastercunt and become an expert overnight.
It is your duty as an inner-city resident to humble brag to your peasant friends about the various cuisines you eat on the regular. If someone suggests a restaurant near you then you should shut them down instantly. No one knows food like you do Mr lived in Vic Park for 2 months. More on becoming a foodie expert HERE.
Enjoy the pleasant waft of piss – no one’s saying the outer burbs are the perfume section at David Jones but one scent you’ll have to get used to in many inner city areas is the sweet stench of wafting piss on the morning breeze.
Places like Leederville & Northbridge are some of the hottest burbs in Perth to chuck a slash on a night out and with the already dwindling levels of hydration, you better believe those are some ripe drippings. You’ll come to miss this scent should you move away.
Be consumed by localist hate – there is nothing like the localist mentality of a person who moves to a popular area and then bemoans its popularity. This may manifest in you not getting your preferred table at The Queens or perhaps you’re burning with the rage of a thousand suns that you have to wait 10 minutes for a coffee.
Accordingly, it’s your responsibility as an inner-city tosser to stink-eye people for having the audacity to exist in your presence.
Let it be known – finally, you aren’t going to fit in unless you have a disproportionate amount of pride for a suburb you are merely renting in. Never, ever miss an opportunity to drop your suburb name into the conversation.
No one asked? Well, that’s hardly your problem. Try to think about your address as your new personality now. Don’t worry you won’t be alone and it’s really a great way to endear yourself to other tossers.
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