Practical steps to avoid being the biggest disgrace at silly season functions. Even if your natural state is to be the one.
1. Work on your pissfitness now
Ideally, you should have been working on this since early September however it’s never too late to work at your baseline tolerance. There is no quicker highway to Your Matesville than a wholesome life 364 days of the year and then 1 day of 15 hard selzters in 2 hours. You will go down in flames. So try to incorporate a coupla froffs into your healthy lifestyle.
2. Dress as generically as possible
The silly season is no time for peacocking. If you arrive at a party as a +1 dressed in a loud party shirt and a stupid hat than you’ve already got every wondering how long it’ll be before you flop it out or dance on a table. Instead, if you know what you’re like, dress as plain as possible. This will help greatly with everyone’s fuzzy memories are they try unsuccessfully to describe the guy they just saw urinating into a pint glass at the bar. If you’re on the terrace a pair of chinos and RMs will do the trick just nicely.
3. Run a little self promotion campaign early on
Unless you’ve come as preloaded as the Birthday kid’s Timezone Powercard than you have at least 3-4 bevvies before your true self is revealed. Use this time to create the grand illusion you are a responsible member of society. Ask people if they’d like some water, make sure to alert people to any canapes floating around. A good PR campaign early will remove you from the list of party suspects most likely to devolve into a despicable swine. It all helps.
4. Never interrupt your enemy when they are making a mistake
In happier times, the two most prolific pisswrecks at the party would band together in an unholy union. However, during silly season your would-be friend is your enemy. They are the person you need the “Your Mate” tag to get attached to. You may be tempted to tell them to calm down and stop dropping so many c-bombs around management. Resist this. Remember it’s you or they. Never interrupt your enemy when they are making a mistake.
5. strategic ghosting
Without questionable doubt the best way to avoid being known as “Your Mate” is to ghost as early as possible. Now, the damage may already be done but there is one truth in life and that’s continuing to stick around after professing your love for a married coworker never makes the situation better. Don’t say goodbye, just get out of there and find a new crowd to try your brand of sloppy revelling on. Of course, knowing when to leave is typically the behaviour of a sensible person, you may lack these sensibilities in your state…
6. bring in reinforcements
So, you can’t bring yourself to leave. You are getting dangerously close to being forever known as “Your Mate”. What do you do? Call the loosest unit in your contacts and do whatever it takes to get them there. Even is this involves lying about having a bag or that there is an open bar. Once they arrive, simply let them perform their magic. Will they ever clock on that you threw them to the wolves? Probably not, self awareness is very rarely an attribute possessed by your mate.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?