So, you met a NOR partner or maybe you just started to feel like you’re something, huh? Well, a move across the river isn’t smooth sailing so be prepared.
1. Develop an irrational fear of SOR
If there is one thing most people NOR share it’s the belief that SOR is a dystopian hellscape where you’ll be forced to learn to sleep through the sounds of ram raids and aggressive yewing at all hours.
Maybe true but that’s no reason to lock your damn doors as you drive through the south to visit your folks now and then! Nevertheless, if you want to fit in you’ll be forced to adopt this mindset.
2. Become an unbearable beach snob
It’s no secret that NOR is home to some of Perth’s most popular beaches. Of course, popularity and quality are subjective but that shouldn’t stop you from becoming an insufferable beach snob who pretends spending 45 minutes looking for a park is “better”.
So, which beach will you choose to base your new identity on? A scabs turbo? A mettams influencer? A Mullaz tiger shark dodger? The world is your oyster just make sure you look visibly disgusted when someone mentions Port Beach. Yeah turn your god damn back on the beach that was always there for you. You piece of shit.
3. Bid farewell to Fremantle
The thing about Freo is it’s a little out of the way. Of course, it’s not too bad if you snag a western burb pad NOR but then you won’t go out of a sense of Golden Triangle elitism – leaving the Triangle is considered unspeakably common and you may not be welcome at the Boatshed if you do.
Sure Freo is like that old school mate struggling to get its shit together but it’s still a good time and a major drawcard of the SOR lifestyle. A drawcard you’ll never know again. So say your goodbyes and deliver your requiem. Hillarys is your new Freo now, guv’nor and it’s way worse.
4. Add an extra layer to your Private School elitism
There are levels of private school elitism and where are all the most expensive ones found? You guessed it. NOR. Naturally, there are a few turds in the punchbowl that slipped through (Trinity & Iona, looking in your direction) but for the most part you are in a high-fee-paradise NOR.
Let the spirit of NOR private education flow through you and one day become the change you want to see in the world. Hire an Aquinas guy Or Santa Maria girl? Hell, you wouldn’t even let those mutts sleep in the barn of your hobby farm!
5. Lie to yourself that it’ll invigorate your social life
If your idea of socialising is more than just doing nangs in a SOR car park then you’ve come to the right side of the river. Scabs, Leedy, Highgate, Northbridge – the choices are endless to put on your party shoes and relive the glory years. That’s what you’ll tell yourself anyway.
Of course, with the rental rogering and general increased cost of living you’ll probably end up visiting these nightspots a couple of times per year and be the same Quasimodo-esque hermit you were when you were living in Canning Vale. Still, you’ll TELL people how exciting your area is and ultimately that’s all that matters to you.
6. Have a disproportionate amount of pride for having a proper Ikea
SOR have 2 Costcos, do you hear them bragging? No. However, the NOR mentality is believing in the supremacy of NOR because of that consumer maze that offers a glimpse into mid-life relationship hell where you’re matrimony is only as strong as the flimsy flat pack bullshit you bought in that horrible place.
Stuff it, fill your house with SKUBBS, BRIMNES, GRIMOS and a fkn GRÖNLID. Then pick up the pieces of your fractured relationship. How ironic, living it up NOR while your relationship goes south. To make it better, SOR is only getting HALF an IKEA! Losers!
7. Start pronouncing your Rs
Forgetting who you are is vital. You must see yourself as a fresh chunk of clay that you will mould into a respectable NOR citizen. Try to weed some of those farkens and karrnts out of your speech and most importantly start pronouncing your Rs like the high society dweller you claim to be now.
Will it fool anyone? God no and most likely your uncle will try to fight you at Xmas because you sound like a wanker. However, you have to live for yourself and not in fear of that annual confrontation because you forgot where you came from.
8. Develop a different driving fear
Don’t listen to anyone who tells you driving is better NOR or SOR. It’s atrocious either side but the risks are a little different. NOR live in constant fear of the next merging impasse on the Mitchell Freeway. Seems like all those extra lanes northbound don’t count for shit.
Of course, you can enjoy the feeling that your chances of a tyre iron wielding dual cab road rage attack are about 25% less. Why are SOR drivers angrier? It’s unclear but we believe it has something to do with the amount of Ford Rangers on the road. Just a theory.
RELATED: 5 hot tips to transition from NOR to your new life SOR
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