Claremont has got to be one of Perth’s most famous suburbs. Located in the western suburbs, you’re always in for a thrill ride when coming to this old, snobby boomer paradise!
1. Venture into the Claremont slums
You hear about all the tourists that have an amazing time in Brazil entering the favelas. Well, Claremont has its own! And it’s just north of the train line. Venture through these scary streets where desperate residents are forced to sell their verges every year to Royal Show people just to make ends meet.
The area is so ghastly that the super-affluent side only felt safe after getting two major barriers (train line and then Stirling Highway) installed. Poverty is always hard to encounter so please don’t stare at their BMW X5s and pathetic 3 car garages.
2. Claremont Quarter car park demo derby
The Claremont Quarter car park is perfect for anyone who has fallen out of love with their car but is still very much in love with its insurance policy. With the who’s who of luxury 4WD doughnuts driving around you’re almost certain to find a bingle.
Will it be enough for a write-off? Never underestimate the golden triangle when it comes to bad driving! If you make it out of the car park intact, head up to the actual shops to collect affluent stinkeyes like they were Pokemon cards. Gotta catch ‘em all, pleb!
3. Marvel at the GTs worst foreshore
Head down to the great shame of the Golden Triangle. Claremont’s slice of the Swan River trails behind all other suburbs. You’d probably be better off having a picnic down in Parkwood swamp land.
Essentially the section of foreshore is only good for letting your designer hound shit and then refuse to clean it up. That’s the Claremont way. More on the best and worst of Perth’s foreshores HERE.
4. Hold up some traffic at HJs
You have to ask serious questions about one’s upbringing if they are prepared to hold up the already heinous Stirling Highway traffic to turn right into Claremont Hungry Jacks. Nevertheless, inconveniencing the elite Golden Triangle residents is a joy that you must experience in life.
For extra points, make sure you make the manoeuvre in a dual cab with an attached trailer. This will enrage the Claremont residents. For even more points, miss an obvious opportunity because you’re busy pissfarting around trying to get a free whopper on the phone app. Expert level! Read this animal’s interview HERE.
5. Go on a personal tour of your own youthful mistakes
For many, there is a decade-long gap in their life from when they stopped going to Claremont (Clubba) and when they returned once they successfully mated (Royal Show). Some say that gap is needed for one to fully deal with the shame they brought upon themselves during those party years.
Walk the hallowed turf and send yourself into a delightful, nostalgic shame spiral as you remember all the bodily fluid you spilled and the bacon deluxes you launched at Christ Church kids at the weekly HJ’s food fight after. Yeah, you were a little shit, embrace it. Read more on Clubba nights out HERE.
6. Summon a private school tosser in the quadrangle of affluence
Do you feel that energy? Claremont forms part of the quadrangle within the triangle – the 4 most expensive private schools. Once you’ve made your way to the centre of the triangle, complete the ritual (an incantation where you ask a mystical security guard if they know who you are and whether they want to keep their job) and then pour some artisan water on the ground.
Within 5 minutes you would have summoned the kind of affluent, golden triangle shitwit who will walk past you and mistake you for a valet or tell you that they managed to buy an investment property by “working hard”. Spooky!
7. Find an excuse for oysters and champagne
You could be at one of the overpriced bars, perhaps on a balcony overlooking the river? Or hell, why not at the opening of a toy shop? It doesn’t matter in Claremont, any occasion needs to have a big fat wealth turd scooped on top of it with a silver spoon.
It would be frightfully embarrassing if you were ever caught eating the food of the masses in Claremont so do try your best to keep an esky with chilled oysters and bubbly at all times. Who knows, a new baby shop might open?
8. Be a WAFL snob – WA footy’s worst supporter
Diehard WAFL fans are already quite the creature. So mix that with being from the Golden Triangle and you really have an insufferable individual to watch the footy next to. So why not join the party?
Enjoy discussing the glory of the Claremont Tigers while throwing out nuggets like – Claremont are the only passionate supporter base and that Peel supporters should be required to wear ankle bracelets when they come down to Claremont Oval.
Check out all the suburb reviews HERE
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?