Spring has sprung and ol sausage fingers is the subject of Monday’s public holiday. Not that you’ll reflect on his butcher special extremities. Here are some “better” things to do:
1. Pay homage to the try King of the North
This long weekend is for the King’s Birthday. However, everyone in Perth knows who the true King of the North is – ol mate Neptune in Two Rocks, of course! How do you pay homage to our lord? Easy, by making a sacrifice of an empty Gatorade billie like his local Two Rocks disciples do every weekend. Please go up soon or he may smite us all. Read more HERE.
2. Lose the will to live at the Royal Show
There is no event like the Royal Show that makes you ask yourself, “do I actually love my children?” Enjoy the price gouging and be left in constant wonderment that the attendees manage to smell more like animals than the actual animals do. Oh, and be prepared to get a little dirty to acquire some Bertie Beetle showbags, people have gone 2 years without one, it could get messy. Alternatively, you could throw your own Royal Show. Full guide HERE.
3. Take out your life frustrations on a WAFL player
The WAFL Grand Final at Perth Stadium is going to be a cracker. Peel Thunder v East Perth will be in the centre but it’s you who they are really competing against. You’ll have to project your voice a bit louder given you can’t get as close to them as you normally would but that’s no reason not to call them a useless little cunny who you’ll be following home later because they kicked a point.
4. Mix shoulders with the free-passaratti at the zoo
The zoo is already hectic enough in the warmer months but throwing in some vote-winning free tickets is only going to add fuel to this fire. Enjoy the mad max-esque running of the wanderer karts as you begin to yearn for King Louie to yeet an annoying screaming child that isn’t being supervised. Like he did to that possum. Good luck!
5. Go camping
Only suckers pay for accommodation down south. Real Western Australians camp in the right lane on Forrest Highway instead. You will be joining a large community of campers who are keen to talk about how their Prados are true off road vehicles. You’ll also help each other avoid a double demerit battering because you’re clogging that bad boy up something cruel. A how-to guide HERE.
6. Illchay at Sneakerland Adlay
It’s no secret that eshays love sneakers. In particular TNs but they also are quite partial to whatever you are currently wearing on your feet, bah. To avoid an attempting rolling by a young dropkick it is suggested you bring a nice decoy pair of shows along with you. Something they’d never want to steal like some Hush Puppy business shoes. AHHH, the very scent of employment will repel them!
7. Make a winery worker really earn their money
What a wonderful weekend for a wine tour. Be the change you want to see in the world and add to the untreatable trauma that every winery employee carries with them. Hey, it’s your day Tammy! Don’t go thinking you have to treat these people like humans or anything crazy like that. Every white and then every red and hurry up because Tammy needs to chuck a squat! Don’t be like this lady.
8. Take the time to visit nan in the home to ask her to take a demerit hit for you
This goes without saying. Double demerit is always a stressful time of the year for the State’s grandparents. It’s also a damn good excuse to go and visit the lonely old bat. You can even make a deal to stop pinching their good meds if they’ll just take another 6 point hit for you, you scumbag.
9. Wallow in self pity because you got too excited on the fist night
This is the classic way to celebrate any longer weekend. Doing such a number on yourself on the first night that most of the remaining days are a dull pain in your arse. You are probably in this state right now and wondering how many more Maximus sports drinks it will take to feel human again.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?