7:30 am – I wake up and force a bush chook down while texting my boss that I’m sick. I won’t lie it goes down rough but I can’t let the time difference win.
7:45 am – I slip on my brother’s lucky suit. He got granted his first E-Plate in this bad boy so the whole family wears it on special occasions. I look as elegant as a sack of fertiliser.
7:50 am – furiously scrub off the jizzstain from the front of the trousers. A little memento from last cup day when I got a wristy in the men’s shitters in exchange for a bottle of bubbly. Looks like the stain has really got its tentacles in and I got better things to do than keep scrubbing it, ahh well.
8:30 am – meet my mates at the gates of Ascot and compare white faux-leather shoes. We are looking sharp. Brayden offers me a little honk of Armadale Espresso from his trusty pipe. Who am I to say no?
9:30 am – ha ha, I’m already $500 down. I better get up on this next race or the little tackers won’t be getting new school uniforms ha ha. Who cares, I dress like shit and look how good I’m feeling.
9:40 am – YEEESSSSSSCUUUNNNNNTTTTTTT my horse gets up and I spend that school uniform money on more bubbly. I’ll win again cos I’m a madcunt like that.
10:30 am – I am now down $1000 ha ha.
11:00 am – the boys tell me to slow down because I’m in a bit of a state. I respond by starting a fight with a short bloke I accused of being a jockey who lost me that last race. He wasn’t.
11:30 am – people who I ain’t achieved nothing in life but look at me now I’m definitely the sloppiest kent in here ha ha. Winning is winning ay.
11:45 am – I trick my parents into transferring me a grand by telling ‘em me daughter has been in an accident ha ha. Not proud of that one but I’m due a win.
12:15 pm – YEEESSSSSSSSCUNNNNTTT I won $500 on that race. I may have spent over $1500 but I’m $500 up in punter-maths. Time to celebrate.
12:30 pm – love finds you when you least expect it ay. This girl pushed her way through to the urinal and popped a squat. I ask her if she’ll marry me.
12:45 pm – we didn’t get married but we did make a cubicle in that shit’n’piss palace our little special place. She asked me if I’m clean after it, I tell her I dunno. 2 years in a row mate, this is what a winner looks like.
1:00 pm – my mates tell me that I smell like a urinal cake and I tell them that I don’t care because I’m in love. Moments later I see my princess getting escorted out after stiletto’ing another girl. Farewell, sweet lady.
1:30 pm – I check my phone and wonder why my parents keep messaging about the welfare of me daughter. It appears I have forgotten key moments in today’s timeline.
1:45 pm – I get a genius idea to hit up some horse types for some Ket. I storm into an area I’m apparently not allowed into and once again find myself surrounded by security. I am told my day is over.
2:30 pm – my mates have had a gutful of me and tell me I’m on my own. I shart rather severely in the struggle. I can tell the security guards don’t think highly of me at this stage.
2:45 pm – my bogan-senses start tingling that the police might want to ask me about a beer can that was launched at a horse so I leg it. There’s so much animal manure in the air anyway that no one suspects the strong smell of shit is mine. It is though.
3:00 pm – I head towards the holy land of the cas. Stopping at a park to freshen up a little. Luckily, my mustard coloured grundies have contained the majority of the spill. I toss them on the floor, give myself an English-shower and I’m ready to win some more.
3:30 pm – Casino security take a contrary view even though I told them that I had a quick bump of ice and will sober up in no time. Felt like a masterstroke at the time.
4:00 pm – ah great, the police have found me. Ah well, least that solves how I’m getting a lift home ha ha. Perks of living near the cop shop ay.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?