7:00 am – I stand in the mirror and repeat my daily affirmation, “it’s the patient’s fault they are sick, I will not yield to their cries”. I feel alive with the sweet feeling of bitterness that fuels me.
8:00 am – I receive a phone call. It’s a diseased-fuckbag pathetically asking if we bulk bill. Rather than answer the question I keep asking them if they’d read our website until they admit they are sorry they bothered me.
8:30 am – a patient walks in and brings up that bulk billing nonsense again. Fed up with their entitled begging I tell them that the fee payable really isn’t that much in my best “you’re a broke loser” tone. I do my best to raise my voice so everyone else can cop a load of their economic situation.
10:00 am – another mouthbreather drags their sorry arse through the door 2 minutes after their scheduled appointment time. The doctor is running 4 hours behind schedule but I still scold them.
11:00 am – where do these people come from? A constant stream of disruption from my online shopping. This one just handed me their paperwork. I can read everything just fine but decide to bark at them about some details when they go sit back down anyway. Keep these animals on their toes.
12:00 pm – great, a new patient brings in their sick kid. The mother asks if we had one of those bead mazes. I audibly sigh and check if she knows this isn’t 2019 anymore. I told her since COVID the mazes are gone and the child can enjoy a better game I call sitting quietly in the corner.
1:00 pm – I’m getting really sick of Lean Cuisine but it’s only 3 weeks until my cats get married and I have to look good in the cat shirt I made with both of them on it. I will take out my hanger on the usual suspects.
2:00 pm – a patient is clearly distracted by the results of a mole biopsy they got back. This causes them to enter their pin wrong. Furious they are not respecting my time, I loudly ask them if they understand we need to take payment for the consultation. Oh, look, Mr Woe Is Me has got his pin right this time. God I put up with a lot.
3:00 pm – I nearly come to blows with a patient who tells me the doctor told him to make an appointment next week to discuss results. I tell him there’s nothing available for 2 months so his precious little diagnosis will have to wait until then. It’s not my fault there is blood in your stool, champ.
4:00 pm – for funsies I make a patient wait for 5 minutes while I pretend to do something on my computer. You have a walking frame to lean on, stop looking at me like that. To quote Ben Stiller, you’re in my world now grandma.
4:30 pm – a doctor comes out demanding to know who misplaced a patient’s medical records. I blame it on the new girl who doesn’t speak English as well as me. It was 100% my fault but I’ll never admit that.
4:50 pm – my usual methods have failed to throw this latest appointment-hound off the scent of an available spot. It’s getting close to home time and I really can’t hear another word about their cretinous health. I made the executive decision to just hang up.
5:30 pm – I arrive home and spend the evening writing passive aggressive comments on posts about tragedies. They say you shouldn’t bring your work home with you but I can’t help it!
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?