6:00 am: the early bird gets the worm and I’m up to launch a final raid on the caravan park’s ablution block. I stuff my bag with all the soap, air freshener, toilet paper, and paper towels I can get my hands on. If I don’t, some foreign backpacker will. Support local.
6:30 am: I call the park supervisor until they pick up. The timing of their so-called “shift” doesn’t fit into my schedule and I must demand a refund for the lengthy complaint list we have compiled. When I tell them to cull the local corella population so I can get some rest I mean it!
7:00 am: time to hit the road. We loudly coordinate our plans with the other battlers travelling with us before getting into a heated argument about wanting to take Albanese’s head off for not doing more to give back to the self-funded retiree community. Someone yells at me to shut up from their tent.
7:30 am: the 300 series is sitting pretty at 80kph. Mayvis and I get a little giddy as we discuss how much we are saving on fuel by managing our speed. The sounds of other motorists losing their minds behind me are more effective than the little blue pill at exciting me.
8:00 am: my boomy-senses start tingling as an overtaking opportunity presents itself on the long stretch of road. Not on my watch. I tell Mayvis to buckle in and show her what this Toyota can do.
11:00 am: after several hours of defeating overtake attempts I’ve grown weary. It’s time to get some fuel and coffee at the next petrol station. I pull in and stare at the bowserman to get his attention to come out and fill us up. Like and share if you grew up in a generation where elders were respected!
11:15 am: it appears no one is coming and I sense I am making some people upset sitting next to the pump and not doing anything. Time to fill up the tanks and several jerry cans.
11:30 am: Mayvis suggests she goes in and gets a head start on the coffee order. I almost spray her with gasoline in shock. I tell her to wait until I’ve finished because I want to come in with her to make sure they understand my coffee order!
11:35 am: time to give the windscreens a thorough wash with the squeegee. A local abuses me from his Hilux. I tell him to pull his head in and show some damn respect to a veteran! I never actually served but I do get VERY angry over proposed trading hours on ANZAC Day.
11:40 am: Mayvis is getting a tad concerned with the uprising forming outside. I tell her that they can wait! I then instruct the roadhouse attendant to prepare our coffees with care and I’ll be asking for a full refund if it’s not hot enough! She gets it right on the 3rd attempt. Time to hit the road!
1:00 pm: we arrive at a tourist attraction and refuse to pay the full fee. Jokes on them, we are only really here to fill up their bins with the rubbish we couldn’t fit into the bins at the last caravan park. Does some end up on the ground? Yes. Is that my problem? No.
1:30 pm: receive a phone call that our offer on a tenant-occupied house has been accepted. We instruct our agent to give them the marching orders and re-list the property for $200 more per week. I tell Mayvis that we’ll share a seniors pub meal to celebrate.
2:30 pm: we arrive at a roadhouse for lunch. I distract the staff by throwing a tantrum over the price of fish & chips while Mayvis attends to all unguarded condiment bottles. Another successful heist!
5:30 pm: the convoy arrives at the next trailer park. We declined to make a booking because this country should show respect to our generation and I intent to make that point aggressively.
5:45 pm: I can sense the staff are trying to “manage us” and don’t seem receptive to our simple demands of 5 powered sites all next to each other no matter how many other guests they need to move.
6:30 pm: by some miracle, the staff has worked out it’s easier to move other guests than to get me to be reasonable. They have found space but not drive through spots. I tell them it’s unacceptable to expect us to unhitch our caravans. We reign hell on them until they comply.
6:35 pm: the snowflake looks flustered after actually having to do their job! I make a comment about hard work must be allergic to them before getting in their face over not providing a seniors discount. We all shall be leaving scathing reviews.
7:30 pm: I make a formal complaint about a caravan 50m away playing music. Why do people think they can enjoy themselves around us? I will unplug them personally after I finish this bottle of Dan Murphy’s second cheapest wine.