7:00 am – I wake up still hard from the night before as father told me I could take the boat out today. This throbbing silverspoon protruding from my Calvin Kleins will be dipping into the yoghurty cave of a GT girl today, I just know it!
7:30 am – I check my IG inbox to see which of the 57 girls I invited at 11 pm last night said yes. Success! 2 wannabe IG models are in and another has said maybe, ending her streak of leaving me on seen for the past 23 story replies I’ve sent over 2 years.
8:00 am – intrusive thoughts start to creep their way in as I get ready. Do these girls only like me for my boat? Why does father only let me take it out when he’s got his eye on a new boat? Why do my supposed mates only like me in summer? Am I a fuckup? Hush, sweet Prince, do another line of coke to block that shit out.
9:00 am – there is mutiny in the winds as I arrive at the marina. It appears in my coked out state last night I’d made grand promises of Rotto. I tell the girls that the Swan River is the new Rotto. One leaves.
10:00 am – to get the vibe back on track (and to drown out the sound of ever growing questions about whether I’m able or allowed to take a boat to Rotto) I start pumping some tunes. I loudly welcome everyone to the party boat. No one cheers.
11:00 am – one of my mates tells me to go easy on the lines as I’m the captain. I decline while those intrusive thoughts about why he never fkn responds to my messages in winter begin to launch another offensive. I manage to calm down and tell him coke makes me a better captain anyway.
12:00 pm – bitta superficial damage to starboard as I sloppily attempt a raft up with a boat of acquaintances I spotted. Some nerd is claiming the impact caused him to drop his new Ray Bans in the river too. He tells me this is why everyone dipped out on my 21st when the bar tab ended.
1:00 pm – I haven’t spoken to any of my passengers since little miss botox lips made an apparently hilarious quip that if I can’t even pull up next to a boat on the river it’s a good thing I didn’t take everyone to Rotto. Why tf did everyone laugh so hard. Were they laughing at me?
1:30 pm – to claw back some respect from my passengers I tell one of the wannabe models that I know the brand manager for MECCA and I can definitely get her a brand endorsement off the strength of her makeup routine TikToks. Now who isn’t looking at me like a terrarium dwelling reptile?
2:30 pm – I don’t know if it’s the blow, the 8 Cruisers she’s had or the lie I told about MECCA but Iove is in the air. I stand behind her while letting her steer the boat. Yeah that’s right, it’s basically an extension of my shrivelled up coke-peen baby. Guide that in.
3:00 pm – she suggests that we return to land and go and get a drink. Finally, I am being respected for the rich boat owner that I so badly try to portray.
3:30 pm – oh boy, I’ve come in hotter than Drake entering the Macca’s playground. I don’t think I can pass some of this damage off as just superficial. She asks me if it’s normal for a boat to be taking on water. Well, it is why I captain it, sweetcheeks.
4:00 pm – I call father and tell him that there has been a little accident. I can hear actual notes of pride in his voice. He tells me that he never doubted me and shouts out to his new wife that shitforbrains had pulled through. It’s nice to have a nickname from your father.
4:30 pm – I ask the IG model if she wants to still get that drink, she responds by asking me if I was dropped on the head as a child.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?