7:00 am – I awaken to the sun shining on my face and birds chirping. It’s like a Disney scene if the character passed out around an outdoor setting and immediately checked his grundies to see if he shat himself once again. I had.
7:30 am – I rinse myself off with the hose and find a note on the door advising me my unofficial tenancy at this dwelling has come to an end. Apparently me mate didn’t appreciate me jumping on his new eScooter and sending it into the pool.
8:00 am – to enact my revenge I sit in his driveway idling & revving my 2003 Nissan Patrol while I enjoy a quick pick-me-up in my pippy palace. He tells me to get my life together, little does he know this is peak performance for an unskilled labourer with two pending WorkSafe investigations.
9:00 am – I decide it’s the perfect day for some moot so I head towards Tims Thicket making sure to stop off at the bottlo first.
9:15 am – I get an uncontrollable stiffy when my exhaust lets out a mighty soot cloud towards the direction of a mother with her two young children. The way she scrambles to get to fresh air, the children’s tears, it’s what being a Patrol driver is all about.
9:45 am – I’m forced to take a detour as I spotted a Suzuki Swift P-Plater and you’d have to move the very fabric of space & time to stop me trying to get a look down the top of whoever is driving it.
10:00 am – sensing the Swift is trying to get away from me I pull my patented 3 lane swerve without looking to get behind it. My skills are recognised and my fellow motorists are serenading me with their horns.
10:05 am – finally I pull up to the lights to reap the fruits of my labour. It’s a fkn bloke with long hair. Situations like this illustrate perfectly why I never wear a seatbelt. I leap out of my cabin with grace and ask the bloke if he wants to go. No one cat fishes me. I boot the bumper of his car as he speeds off.
11:00 am – I arrive at Tims Thicket and come in real hot. A family call me a fucken idiot citing the fact I almost hit their dog as evidence. I tell them their shitty LandCruiser is going to need me later as I am driving a Toyota Recovery Vehicle. I check if the dad wants to go. He doesn’t.
11:15 am – it’s time to start the show. I show everyone what a madkent I am but flying over the whoopties and driving like I am being pursued by the law once again. People must be impressed because they keep taking photos of me.
12:00 pm – my baby is making a weird noise again so I decide to give the tracks a rest while I get to work on a cold tin of Jacky D’s finest while playing Aussie hip hop as loud as my portable speaker will go.
12:30 pm – this is why I’m the best in the business, my moot seeking mating ritual has worked and I’m approached by a couple of 19 year olds who ask me if I was that guy jumping on the roof of cars on Smart Street the other day.
1:00 pm – things are going so well with the blondie that I make my move and ask her if I could crash on her mum’s futon for a few nights until my mate lets me back in the house. I can tell she’s never had a real man leech off her. She gives me a fake phone number.
1:30 pm – in all my haste to start the Patrol show I realise I may have made a mistake regarding my tyre pressure. I find myself somewhat bogged and am not treated with the level of respect I am due. I believe they are cheering.
2:00 pm – I tell the dad from before that I’ll fight him if he doesn’t give me a hand. He once again calls me a fkn idiot.
2:30 pm – realising that I have not endeared myself to the Tims Thicket 4WD community I decide to post on 4WD pages asking for help. It appears my reputation precedes me.
3:15 pm – finally a goodcunt agrees to help me. I promise to give him some of my piss as a reward. While he’s busy setting up some MaxTrax I notice a nice new Kincrome socket set sitting in his boot. Bloke wont miss it, I reckon.
3:30 pm – now freed I tell the bloke to follow me to the bottlo and I’ll shout him a carton. I was planning on losing him once I hit the main road but he’s gone and noticed his sockets missing, hasn’t he?
3:45 pm – I have underestimated my opponent and he gives me a solid belting. Licking my wounds, I tell him I’m the King of Mandurah and he has no idea who he is dealing with. He asks me if I want some more then, I bravely decline.
4:30 pm – I call my mate who evicted me and told him I got bashed after defending a single mother at the Mandurah Forum and am in a bit of a pickle. He replies “good”. I don’t think he’s forgiven me yet.
5:30 pm – I find myself back at the folks and dad says he’s got a surprise for me, an “I eat ass” bumper sticker he got from Bali last week. Me back windscreen is pretty full but there’s always room for a classic.
Life always works out for a Patrol driver.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?