7:00 am – I remind the wife of the little matter concerning my annual birthday wristy. She’s been unable to maintain eye contact with me during it since I overpaid for a 2016 Prado during the pandemic.
8:00 am – I can feel the chafe of resentment long after we partake in the traditional post-bday-wristy argument over why it’s “weird” that I can only get off if she calls me a LandCrusier owner during it. She has a Rav 4, she wouldn’t get it.
9:00 am – my brother knows how to spoil me and calls me up to offer me a 4WD’ing job. The mission, if I choose to accept it, is to acquire a trailer from Bunnings and help him move some furniture. I cannot understate how much of a big man this makes me feel like.
10:00 am – after seeing me pissfart around for 20 minutes, a Bunnings man approaches me and asks me if I’d like some help connecting the trailer. I tell him it’s not my first rodeo before trying to drive off without securing it properly.
10:05 am – I go to my happy place by shovelling two sausage sizzles in my face while another man has his hands all over my tow ball. Time to hit the road.
10:30 am – my brother is aware of my arrival via a loud bang. I’ve managed to reverse the trailer right through his fence and caused a not insignificant amount of damage.
11:30 am – I cruise along the freeway at 70kph, making sure every babe checks out a man at work. Ah damnit, I’ve caused another 3 car pile up. Honestly, I shouldn’t even have to look when changing lanes, it’s a LandCruiser after all, get out of my way!
12:30 pm – I arrive at the pub for my birthday lunch. For no reason at all I find myself parked with some wheels on the bitumen and others on the curb. Fark it, that’ll do. Out of the corner of my eye I see a 200 Series owner smirk. I obsess over it.
1:00 pm – my family keep asking me why I’m so agitated. I’m in quite a state before exploding in a tirade, “IT SAYS LANDCRUISER RIGHT THERE ON THE BACK. IT’S A FKN LANDCRUISER”. I demand to know if the man from the car park earlier is staring at me and whether his eyes are suggesting I have a flaccid chode. My wife says this isn’t appropriate lunch time talk.
1:15 pm – I order two fkn steaks for lunch. How do you like me now? I scope the pub to see if the car park man can handle it. He appears to be busy talking to his loving wife & kids.
1:35 pm – I go to drain the lizard and just as I’m about to release a relieving stream the 200 Series man steps next to me causing an acute bout of stage fright. Fkn not now, don’t do this to me, I sneak a look at what he’s working with, yep, of course it’s a hog. On my Birthday, a hog. I abscond to the cubicle to finish.
2:30 pm – we leave the pub and I decide to make a point. Instead of taking the road out I mount another curb. My wife asks me why I’m driving like an idiot. I tell her that I’m enjoying the capabilities of my 4WD. There’s that look again.
3:00 pm – I get home and buy a snorkel kit. The act of masculine consumerism has helped me forget about the smirk and girth from earlier. I’m a real outdoorsman.
4:00 pm – I upload a photo of my rig to a 4WD Facebook page and ask for recommendations to “take er off road” this long weekend. The community is not kind to me and tell me they heard of a few good sales at Mecca so the Karrinyup car park might be the go.
5:00 pm – I have a moment of doubt that I’m cut out for the 4WD life. Then I gaze upon the photo of I took of me taking the Prado on the beach at Preston Beach last summer. I remind myself everyone is just jealous they can’t afford a Prado.
7:30 pm – after several hours of drinking and sharing stories on a Prado forum I am back baby. It’s a beautiful car, has a great turning circle and last we checked, it’s part of the LandCruiser series. Fuck all the haters.
8:00 pm – I have one small bit of business to attend to before I finish up for the night. I walk out onto my front lawn. Drop my pants to the grass and let out a mighty stream of piss. HA HA no one stage frighting me now! I am the lord of piss! Amazing pressure. I wish that guy could see me now.
8:30 pm – the wife brings up that therapy thing again.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?