9:00 am – I ready myself for battle by applying a British hairdresser amount of make up. This is my war paint, the Swan Valley shall hear me roar.
10:00 am – in a macabre charade of faux-class me and the girlies enjoy a mimosa breakfast. I sip my drink thinking about Braysin – I know he’s keen because he’s sworn an “oaf” to return the $120 he took out of my purse last time we hooked up. He said it was an emergency, he’s so dreamy.
11:00 am – the bus arrives and so do our male friends – it’s a who’s who of the Magistrate Court’s E-Plate application waiting room. Braysin doesn’t have my money but flirtily says he has something better for me. He unsubtly grabs at his loins.
11:15 am – we ignore the bus driver as he tries to lay out some ground rules. Instead, we engage in a photoshoot. We know this is going to be the time we are covered in the least amount of bodily fluids so we have to do it for the gram.
11:40 am – I receive my first warning from the bus driver after he sees me neck a piccolo of Yellowglen Pink. I tell him it’s what they do in Italy and to eat a bag of dicks. I can tell we’ve already broken him.
12:00 pm – we arrive at the first winery and complain very loudly about the tasting fee. Braysin tries to calm the situation by saying he’ll cover the $10 charge and our debt is squared. Classic Braysin.
12:05 pm – even after threatening a mass 1-star review they don’t budge. I concede the fee and demand to taste every single white and then every single red in order. I throw them back like CS Cowboys at the Roey backpacker night.
12:20 pm – there is a short line for the toilet so I take inspiration from my original tattoo of a dandelion blowing its spores into the wind and go and piss in the vineyard. It’s about freedom, get it?
12:21 pm – some gross grape farmer or whatever yells at me. I make sure to include his customer service in my 1-star review.
12:30 pm – we arrive at our first brewery because Braysin and his brother Graysin say they are going to kick off unless they get a beer. They don’t understand wine that doesn’t come in a cardboard box.
12:35 pm – despite being at a brewery we insist on large group orders of at least 15 different types of mixed drinks. It’s busy and it just got busier. Deal with it.
1:00 pm – lunch is served at the next brewery but we’ve all gotten into the d-5s or in Braysin’s case something a little stronger. We reward our host’s gracious hospitality by engaging in a frenzied food fight.
1:30 pm – strategic voms with the girlies in the vines! Queen material.
2:00 pm – I have a big cry in the bus after seeing Braysin try to offer the bus driver $20 to let everyone drink. He told me he didn’t have any money and he’d have to pay me back in bucket bongs later at his house.
2:30 pm – the bus driver has retreated to his mental happy place and accordingly isn’t even trying to stop us drinking on the bus now. Lateisha pops a squat into a pint glass Braysin stole from the last joint. I wink at him, not so useless after all big Bray.
3:00 pm – at the next venue it’s time for a dance in the DJ tent out the back. My Hyena-esque squealing and unsteady feet have every seccy in the place watching. See this wristband though? It means I have pissomatic immunity. You can’t stop this train.
3:30 pm – apparently the train can be stopped and I’m forced to wait outside after being escorted out. I bond with the bus driver over how Braysin is ruining our lives. He asks me if it was Braysin who lit a dart in the back and put it out on one of the seats. I tell him maybe.
4:30 pm – I’m just sober enough to slip into the next venue undetected. I just stick to the middle of the group and try not to scream. Mission unsuccessful as I see a girl I used to go to school with and the only way we can communicate with each other right now is in high supersonic shrieks.
5:15 pm – I’m drunk, sad and probably banned from multiple venues. That’s when my knight in shining armour appears. Braysin stole a bottle of vodka from one of the venues we went to. He says I can have half. What a dreamboat.
5:30 pm – we finally get off the bus and I ask if the bus driver is OK. He says no. Fair enough really.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?