6:00 am – I awake the soviet horror of a cold draught creeping into my fortress of warmth. Despite the full frontal heat-assault I launch on the house at all times it is impossible to keep warm enough to sustain human life. I weep.
6:30 am – after geeing myself up for half an hour I manage to get out of the warm shower and start the mental timer in my head. If I don’t get into my woolly socks, thermals and The North Face Jacket within 5 minutes then I will surely perish this time.
6:45 am – against the odds I survived getting out of the shower but I am faced with a far bleaker challenge now. Defogging my windscreen! How tf do I do this? I end up utilising a trial & error system as I drive slowly down the road with about 15% vision. The WA way.
7:30 am – when I arrive at work I send a passive aggressive message to my partner who is working up North in the beautiful sun. I “thank” him for making sure I survived the morning, he doesn’t care about me.
8:30 – 10:30 am – while others in my office work I am engaged in an epic power battle with one of the senior blokes over the temperature the workspace is set to. This complete psychopath thinks 22 is appropriate. I lean towards 30.
11:00 am – I receive a text back from my partner who says he works early morning and to stop being so dramatic. He’ll see how dramatic I am when he’s playing a solo on the pork trombone on the freezing couch for his week off.
12:00 pm – it appears a symptom of severe hypothermia is memory loss as I’ve forgotten to bring lunch. I attempt to recruit my work husband for the task but he’s a bigger puss than I am. I am forced to venture into the tundra. 15 degrees, the horror.
12:15 pm – I ascend Hay Street towards basecamp aka the food court. I pass a variety of colours of arctic jacket wearers who are moments away from giving in to the malicious gale blowing. I text my partner goodbye.
1:00 pm – I make it back to the office with a quinoa salad to find the temperature has once again been set to 22 degrees. I chuck a shitfit for the ages and begging rage-browsing Seek for a new job. I just survived 15 degrees and this is how they treat me!!!!
2:30 pm – I decide that I’ll need at least a week to recover so I review my calendar to see what events I have coming up. I texted my sister that the weekend plans are off due to the predicted top of 19 degrees and rain.
3:15 pm – sister messages me back and tells me I am “ruining everything” and “why did I agree to host the baby shower”. I tell her to maybe reconsider the timing next time she wants to let a load slip past to the keeper. Reminder her that no one likes a winter birthday party.
4:00 pm – hey look at that, the sun has popped out. I take a photo of the beautiful blue sky and post an IG story bragging to my East Coast friends about how awesome Perth weather is. They can never know what a massive fraud I am.
4:30 pm – I ignore a text from my bestie about whether I’m still coming to parmi night at the pub. That kind of question doesn’t even warrant a response. Why don’t I go and jump into an ice bath while I’m at it, freak?
5:00 pm – I swing by Kmart to pick up an extra electric blanket for that section of the couch not covered and a few extra hot water bottles to ensure I make it through the night.
5:15 pm – just as I’m about to leave the shopping centre it decides to rain. I sit in my car and cry. I know what I’m made of and heavy traffic in the rain ain’t it. I will have to wait this one out.
6:00 pm – after finally working up the nerve to drive I cause a little bingledoosie when I recklessly merge causing a driver to apply their brakes rapidly. Oops.
6:30 pm – finally home, I get to work absolutely smashing the two energy credits that were given in the budget. Every appliance that can produce heat is doing its bit. I tell myself I’m not dramatic as I make arrangements for someone to look after my cat if I don’t make it through the night.