5:30 am – I wake up with a sore back, not from working too hard but because I’ve accidentally fallen asleep on a pile of money once again. Damnit!
5:45 am – tragedy strikes as I’m getting ready – I’m having a bad hair day and am not leaving until these locks are sitting perfectly. Haven’t even started my skincare routine, looks like I’ll be late again. Not that I give a shit.
6:30 am – Jesus! I catch a look of myself in the mirror as I drive my brand new Hilux to work and immediately pull over. Can’t be looking this good without snapping a new Tinder pic. After the car selfie I finally make my way to the job.
7:00 am – I ask my apprentice to get to work while I get down to the real business of being a sparky – scoping out copper to rehome and blessing any female tradie in the vicinity with my presence.
8:00 am – I figure it’s time to do something and reach for my voltage tester only to be interrupted by a phone call. Sweet, my offer has been accepted on my 3rd investment property.
8:15 am – to celebrate I cancel a few upcoming jobs that don’t meet my “get out of bed for” threshold. Which is higher than a scaffolder after his morning bowl of ice bubbles.
9:00 am – for smoko I tuck into an ancient grain salad with heirloom tomatoes, Persian feta and a delightful little vinaigrette I picked up from the Boat Shed. I make a joke to my apprentice that I’m like a Greek God. I don’t think he gets it.
10:00 am – before leaving the job, my apprentice asks if we should tidy up a bit. I almost slap him from arsehole to breakfast time. I bring up that little “joke” about being a divine entity again and tell him people like us aren’t paid to clean. I boot another hole in the wall in anger.
10:15 am – despite wearing steel caps I’m not taking any chances so I book myself in for an emergency pedicure after the wall booting. My apprentice asks if I should ring and tell the next job we’ll be late. I feel that slapping hand coming up again.
12:00 pm – my toes are prancing about in my sweatless socks in delight. Damn it feels good to be a sparky. I decide that’s enough work for today. Time to grab a crayfish lunch and quench my thirst.
1:00 pm – I can tell the toilet orcs sitting across the bar from me have never seen a man enjoy a crisp, buttery Chardonnay before. I tell my apprentice that a plumber is just a toilet plunger that has learned to drive a Triton.
1:30 pm – I’m not sure if I should have a second glass of wine but then reflect on the hard earned thirst I developed from changing 4 powerpoints in a single day last month. Back breaking stuff.
2:00 pm – while savouring the nutty notes I overhear one of those plumbers mouth a vicious barb about me. Little do they know I spend hours training my vanity muscles in the gym every week. I am not to be trifled with.
2:30 pm – the situation is getting tense and I remind them that if they spent more time working on pipes rather than being on them then they might have a property portfolio like mine. I sense one wants to strike at me.
2:45 pm – no way I’m getting my hair messed up scrapping with these primitive beasts, so I flee towards the car park. All those perfect muscles in synch. I’m giving myself a stiffy.
3:15 pm – I get home and resist the urge to throw myself on my marble kitchen top and enjoy a sparky hand-buffet for one. Don’t be selfish, share some with the rest of Perth. Accordingly, I check my matches on various dating apps.
4:00 pm – I check my Hinge that I’ve curated to give a rougher, bad boy image using photos from the week I did on site before quitting in fear one of the FIFO rock apes was going to bite my face.
5:00 pm – a match comes over and I get distracted by myself while talking to her around my lavish outdoor entertainment area. Rich, smart, hot and did a week working in the Pilbara, fark me I am a catch.
6:00 pm – I stop her in the middle of telling me some boring story about her career ambitions and tell her that I can’t take it anymore and am going to go to make love to myself and if she’d like to join. She agrees.
6:30 pm – she likes the strategic mirrors I have set up in my bedroom and makes a comment that I like to watch. Fark yeah I like to watch, look at that stroke, look at those triceps, are those delts even legal? My god she must be in heaven.
6:32 pm – I collapse fully drained and tell her she’s welcome. She must still be in the grips of pleasure hysterics as she is laughing.
8:00 pm – I go to bed feeling like I really accomplished something today. I decide there and then to take the rest of the week off, I’ve already done enough, and even Jesus needed to rest for a few days.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?