8:00 am – I wake up to my morning ritual P!nk songs followed by briefing Mr Whiskers and Sergeant Snuggles about who I will crush today for questioning my administrative authority. The velvet glove is once again, off.
8:45 am – I arrive at work. Everyone else is required to be at work by 8:30. I have a special arrangement because I threatened to go to Fair Work after arriving late 7 years ago on account of a catmergency. They never pushed it again.
9:15 am – I am given a stack of photocopying to do and suddenly feel one of my trademark mega-migraines coming on. These headaches are not experienced by anyone else on the planet and are specifically exacerbated by the photocopy machine. I rudely decline the task.
10:00 am – while staking out the kitchenette under the guise of reading a copy of Woman’s Day I notice a coworker leave a teaspoon on the sink after a gentle stir of her tea. She will be pissing blood by the time I am done with her.
10:15 am – I alert everyone around me that I am NOT to be disturbed until further notice. I have a very passively aggressive note to construct. This is my art form. The A4 my canvas, my petty need to assert my dominance is my paint brush. You wouldn’t disturb Monet.
10:45 am – after writing the hottest office note of 2023, I make my way to the laminator. This note will sing its song through the ages. I see another admin lady side-eye me. She is clearly insinuating that I spent as much time on work as I did on bullshit we’d be a fortune 500 company. Her day will come.
11:00 am – I forward an email to ALL staff that my sister in law sent me. They are minion memes from the 2010 and they are adorable, hilarious and pertinent to the operations of this company. I will quiz everyone later on which one was cutest.
11:30 am – I see a coworker head off to lunch early. I know what he’s up to. I know his game. I move swiftly to the reception so it looks like a chance encounter. I remind him he’s going to lunch early and I’ll see him at 12:30. He gives me a look like I’d shat in his mug. This is the energy I pride myself on.
11:45 am – just like a high performance big rig, I need a period of cooling down before I come to a complete halt for lunch. To down-gear, I spend the next 1 hour and 15 minutes researching macrame classes and make anguished noises as I stretch my back which I claim is chronically sore.
12:30 pm – I begin making a notation of every minute that young buck is late from returning from lunch. That sub-human scum has tried to squeeze a long lunch on MY WATCH. I get off my arse to bother the boss. Make a comment about “how could anyone be hungry at 11:30”. I have planted the seed.
1:00 pm – I am the last to leave for lunch and an external IT contractor arrives to undertake critical computing services. He attempts to speak to me with the view of assisting him. I stand up and loudly assert I am on my lunch break and any attempts at further communication will constitute harassment. I make a little siren noise I pioneered.
1:30 pm – after a hearty serve of apricot chicken I decide to impose myself on another staff member’s lunch break. I force her into a lengthy bitch session about the staff I feel are not pulling their weight. So what if Sue’s husband was diagnosed with cancer, she should still have asked if she could use one of my post-it notes to jot down the address of a good doctor!
2:30 pm – it’s time to present my findings to the office manager. The spoon at the sink, the long lunch (I add a pinch of salt that he came back stumbling and reeking of beer), and of course the microaggression I experienced when I rudely refused the photocopy task. I advise on suitable repercussions and then head back to do some work.
2:45 pm – just kidding. There goes that back flaring up again. I let everyone know I am dealing with the sort of pain that they have never experienced. I make this very clear as I package several letters into envelopes and put them in the out tray. I expect a round of applause.
3:00 pm – everyone else in the office is required to work until 5 pm. Not me, I have a special arrangement because I caught the boss using another coworker’s tonsils as a speed bag at the X-mas bash several years ago.
3:05 pm – on my way out, I tell the receptionist to alert me as to when Mr long lunch decides to go home. He owes the company 30 minutes by my count and while it’s none of my business I shall make it so. How dare he.
4:00 pm – I debrief the fur babies and then get to work trashing my coworkers on Facebook groups that I also rule with an iron fist. Delete if not”aloud” admin. Oh, don’t TEMPT me with a good time!