1. Talk shit at a WAFL game
Have you truly lived until you’ve taken in a mighty Swan’s Districts home game while sinking froffs and talking about how you could’ve made it yourself if you hadn’t done your back?
Bassendean Oval is your mecca. Also, enjoy a very discreet public toilet if you need to exorcise some gut demons.
“See that half back? No wonder he never made AFL. He’s not manning up! He’s not playing the game it should be played! Why is my beer empty?” – Testimonial from Gary
2. Choose a side – preservation or gentrification
Basso is a suburb at battle with itself. One that can’t decide whether it wants to gentrify to maintain its rustic charm. Cruise the streets to see the wonderful architecture of yesteryear next to some modern piece of shit.
This contrast is everywhere you look. Basso will be dragged into the modern era kicking and screaming and you have to commend that.
“I really want to buy a beautiful heritage home and turn it into a soulless modern hell hole after my day out in Basso. Thanks for the inspo, gentrification!” – Testimonial from Sara
3. Take in the safety of the Sandy Beach playground now Rolf is dead
Much like his plaque, his existence has been stripped from this mortal coil. Yay. It certainly makes the impressive Sandy Beach playground a nicer place.
Don’t lurk too long though. Don’t want to be the next Rolf would ya. Just soak it in and keep on moving. Sicko.
“I really think Basso is better now that Rolf’s spirirt has been cleansed from the earthly plane. Nice vibe tbh” – Testimonial from Tim
4. Submerge yourself in the Perth Ozarks
While you’re down there, take the time to head to the river bank to enjoy the Perth Ozarks. It’s all about the haves & have nots.
Those fancy-arse Ascot residents with their private jetties and Basso residents with their duck-shit. Enjoy the space how you want, heard swimming is great this time of year.
“This looks like a nice place for a floating Casino. Hell, I could even float to the Cas in my Cas. Ascot living in 3030” – Testimonial from Lachlan
5. Get catfished by the “Bassendean Shopping Centre”
Does your shopping consist of alcohol, fast food and knick knacks? Well, good news for you. Bassendean Shopping Centre is a true shopping experience.
One day there might even be a butcher again. Not to be confused with the full serviced Hawaiian Bassendean complex which stinks of convenience.
“Jokes on you, my weekly shopping consists of piss, pizza and healing crystals. I love it” – Pete Evans
6. End up on the wrong side of the tracks
Living a metaphor is very in. South of Guildford Road is a suburban paradise. Lush, green, sprawling properties.
To the north is an industrial estate that would make your blue-collar senses tingle. If you end up north, why not lay a fat skid or OD on Dare at a lunch bar? It’s OK, you’ll be in good company. A judgement free zone.
7. Have a train run on ya
Basso loves trains. So why not celebrate with a little romp of your own? You’ll be able to find plenty of lush swamp land to lay down a picnic blanket and enjoy the extra suspension when you get banged six ways to Sunday. What a story for the grandkids. Choo choo!
“What a delightful day out. I normally wait until night time at Hyde Park but it’s good to have this option too. No wonder Basso residents love trains hehe” – Testimonial from Terry
8. Join the Guildford Rd x Collier Rd queue
Combine an arterial road with a level crossing and you have an amazing queue experience that you won’t forget. Settle in and block any punk who thinks they can jump the line by banging it up the left lane. Time moves a little slower in the Basso queue so not a good idea if you’re in a rush!
9. Express yourself
Basso strikes the balance between train line miscreants and bohemian oasis better than most. It’s an artistic place where you can express yourself any which way you want. Wall poems? Sure. Op shop fashion?
Sure. Getting booted from the Basso hotel for dancing like Peter Garret with a car battery attached to his balls? Why not? It’s Basso baby.
RELATED: Guildford wins coveted “most likely Perth suburb to pass for Merredin” award
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?