Dear diary, how ya garn? Macka here.
Had a ripper weekend going back home for me mate’s wedding. It’s important for blokes of my status to pop up and shake a few hands, ay. Remind me who I am. 13 premierships.
In classic Macka form I got into a blue on the morning of the wedding. Kept giving me mate shit about his fucken hairline and everyone kept telling me to lay off him, it’s his wedding day. No one tells the 11 time best & fairness centre half forward to shut up so I didn’t.
Thought it was pretty pissweak that me mate’s brother was the one who fed me a couple of knuckle-sangas. You gotta take care of your own business, just like when I beat the shit out of me cousin Thommo on me own wedding day for knicking money out of the wedding envelopes. That’s why I was captain though, kicked 17 on debut for the men’s team when I was 12.
The speeches were fun. I wasn’t technically the “best man” but as soon as I get a Crowny in my hand while wearing a suit I go into country Brownlow mode. Golden microphone, ya know?
Had the whole crowd eating of me palm and I reckon every non-blood related girl there wanted to fark me. I dunno why I done it but I ended up telling a story about fingerblasting the bride after a 20 goal haul back in year 11.
They don’t make em like me anymore. Made sure everyone knew the groom wouldn’t know what that’s like cos he was a back pocket of a bloke. Groom’s father wrestled the mic out of my hand and had some choice words for me.
Got me balls out for a couple of photos too. The ex-wife told me she lost a lot of respect for me when I done that at our wedding. Told her it was the painkillers and booze combo but it wasn’t it’s just bloody funny stuff.
Grandpa called me a disgrace and told me this is why my old boy will never hand me the keys to the farm. So I grabbed his Emu Bitter out of his hand and punted it right into back the groom’s brother. Kinda penetrating inside 50 kick I’m known for.
Got hell maggot, signed my autograph on some of the bridesmaids dresses and woke up in the back of my ute covered in my own piss.
So yeah, great weekend. Up the Macka! Still got it.
Hooroo.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?