If you’re looking for a mode of transport that screams, “I own a customisable gaming keyboard” but “I’m a bad boy” then look no further than an e-Scooter.
Sure, you’re unlikely to see a bank robber flee from the scene in one but yours is a full 150 watts over the 200 watt limit to use legally on WA roads and footpaths.
You were born to break the rules and you need something to do in between arguing on Reddit and lining up for a new iPhone.
Please note that a fair chunk of society isn’t aware of PMD regulations nor what you’re packing under your little hood, so make sure you communicate this to any coworker whose heart you intend to steal when you roll in hot to work on your e-Scooter.
When it comes to love you’re an e-Bandit and you will make no apologies for that. You may find other coworkers in the office chortling at your new ride. Ignore them, as they are just seething in jealousy.
You may also get a few stink eyes when you squeeze onto the train in peak hour with your scooter under your arm. Again, ignore them, they’ll have to get used to it because there’s a few hills near your house and your e-Scooter struggles to get up like a drunkard’s peen.
Of course, any urban cowboy must look the part and nailing e-Scooter chic is an essential step in your evolution. To really nail the look you must wear business attire and rock the holy trinity – a helmet, New Balance runners and a backpack. Move over Perth summer, you’re what’s hot.
It would be utterly criminal to not utilise all this swag to put on a daily clinic in front of the CBD pedestrians. Duck & weave through the crowds like the top gun jet pilot you were born to be.
They don’t have to know that the reason you aren’t riding on the roads is a crippling yet completely rational fear of Perth drivers. They’ll be too lost in the fantasy of owning their own e-Scooter one day.
The difference between you and a kook? You make kooking look good.
Of course, on the other side of the eScooter coin is a scourge unlike Perth NIMBY’s have ever faced before. Young punks showing reckless abandon as they e-scoot through heavily watched neighbourhoods.
Should you dip your toes in the dark world of e-delequency you’re likely going to end up becoming a vehicular menace. Taking a high powered e-scooter on roads it has no businses being on.
Should you go down this path, make sure you’re wearing protective gear or you’ll leave the roads smeared with more skin than Ed Gein’s backyard shed.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?