After tightening the vice of commitment around her partner’s manhood Abby intends to juice and savour the sweet ball-drippings of engagement life.
Thanks to a hired photographer and a well-choreographed knee drop, her Instagram engagement post was undoubtedly the post of the year and it would behoove her social status to throw a shindig of a similar magnitude.
From the moment she booked a cute little function space in Cottesloe she transformed into Lit-ler planning a putsch with the help of Gayseph Goebbels, her flamboyant bestie and party sergeant at arms.
In between calling up the function manager to scream abuse for not catering to her daily requests, she is posting passive-aggressive messages on FB regarding RSVPs and how selfish some bitches are for planning their grandparents funeral that weekend, Cindy we are looking in your direction.
On the night, her friends arrive to see Abby screaming at a hired bartender to pick up every leaf that has blown across the front entrance. She quickly flicks the psycho-switch back to pleasant as she greets each guest with a sweet smile.
Inside, the guests are treated to a grotesque shrine to Abby’s ego. Her personalised hashtag is plastered all over balloons, the hors d’oeuvre table has a sign saying “Abbytisers” and she has even made the bartender concoct a cocktail she is calling a Abby-tini. Yikes.
It’s pretty messed up but the booze is flowing and friends start mingling. That is until Abby interrupts the fun for a 45 minute slide show dedicated to her life, love and laughter. After the 8th speech she takes the microphone and starts hitting them up for cash like a bogan without home & contents insurance.
“I will be handing out envelopes, they have your name on it so you remember which one is yours in case you want to donate more and no, this doesn’t count as a wedding gift *giggles parasitically*”
The following day Abby sorts through the hashtags and sends a few DMs asking people to remove her hashtag, “babes, we all love Will, but if he can’t even make an effort to wear cocktail attire, then why should he be in the photos xx”
You don’t celebrate a milestone without making a few enemies, after all.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?