In a stunning return to the spotlight, Pete Evans has announced he’ll personally comb every inch of the territory between the mine site & Malaga to find the radioactive capsule that some believe has mystical powers.
According to the church of Evansology, the power of radiation can be utilised to recharge weak chakras. A condition facing 9/10 faux-spiritual blockheads in Australia. A source close to Evans told The Times,
“It’s pretty much the fountain of youth. That bad boy will keep emitting its healing rays for years to come. Pete just wants to harness its radioactive power to make a buck off morons. Like the light machine that cures the spicy cough that he doesn’t believe exists”
Locals along the main highway have witnessed the health guru on his hands and knees rummaging through the dirt. A witness told The Times,
“It looked like he kept muttering that he needs this and that’ll he’ll be respected by the public again. He was in a pretty crazy frenzy. Only taking a few breaks to sun his bumhole which we all know he thinks gives him social media powers”
Health authorities are understandably concerned with the plan. With a leading health official telling The Times,
“Make sure that clown doesn’t get his hands on the radioactive capsule. Seriously. It’s not going to give you a stronger chakra but it could just trim some years off your life”
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