A Coles customer sick of getting bent over the barrel at his once favourite supermarket has decided to just buy all his shit from the servo. Remarkably, he comes out several hundred dollars a week on top.
We spoke to the man who was loading up on some essentials at his local Caltex. He told The Times,
“Mate, I just filled up my tank, grabbed enough shit for a weekend worth of sandwiches and ice cream and would you believe it, I have enough money for a rubntug later this arvo. You have to break the shackles of convenience and say hooroo to Coles!”
Out of principle, he refuses to shop at Shell which often has a Coles Express attached, however, he noted there was really no difference between those extortionate servo prices and Coles everyday dollar dazzlers. He continued,
“It’s BP, Vibe, and OTR for this old bargain hunter. I think the tipping point for me is when Coles spent billions on upgrading anti-shoplifting detection in the middle of a living crisis. Why not divert that money to lowering prices? Scumbags mate, I barely steal anything from the Servo”
We asked him if he had any other lifehacks to save on the price of food these days. He told us,
“Mate, you can feed a family for 4 on airport cafe food for cheaper than you can buy groceries at Coles or Woolies. So I’d suggest going there. Even with the price of the airfare you’ll still come out on top after a big shop”
Truly depressing stuff. A spokesperson for Coles responded to the man’s life hack which is going viral. They told The Times,
“Ultimately, the shareholder’s basket is the only basket we want value flowing into. We realise that most of the public are habit-driven, lazy people. So they’ll continue to cop whatever price rises we chuck at them because we’ve been incrementally increasing them since the great plague. Slow and steady, you see”
Well, that’s truly reptilian stuff. However, thanks for motivating Aussies to pour more money into petrol stations. Making them look like the lesser-price gougers is truly amazing work.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?