An American tourist has landed down in Perth ahead of the Exmouth full solar eclipse event on the 20th of April. In true ‘Murican spirit he has wasted no time preparing for the ocular assault of staring at the eclipse by spending 5 hours a day staring directly at the regular sun.
Each morning, Ron and his wife Barb start their day with a hearty bowl of sugar before starting their training. They told The Times sun-gazing is all the rage in America and noted it was even championed by chief cooker Pete Evans. Ron added,
“The retina is like any other muscle, you have to work on it if you expect it to hold up at the full solar eclipse in the Exmouth. We enjoy five one-hour sessions of conditioning our eyes. You think you’re blind by the end of the day but that’s just the retina chakras realigning”
Ron then started to get very red around the gills and started ranting about his constitional right to stare at the sun. Demanding we acknowledge that Oz-straylian law can’t override the American Constitution.
After calming down, Ron said that he likes to salute the sun while he’s staring at it each day. Saying that the sun is a symbol of freedom. Experts however warn that the practice is only likely to “free” Ron & Barb from the ability to see.
Both the Department of Health and the Australian Radiation Protection and Nuclear Safety Agency (ARPANSA) have urged Eclipse goers to not stare directly at the astronomical event. Even through cheap, gimmicky “eclipse glasses” that will be handed out. A spokesperson for WA Health told The Times,
“It’s 2023, do we really have to tell people not to stare directly at the sun? Ffs, we monitor comments online and apparently, our warnings aren’t about public safety they are about control. Anti-eye-protectioners are saying that first we’ll get them to stop staring at solar radiation and the next thing they know they’ll be in 15-minute cities”
Ron has had to seek emergency treatment 3 times in the short week he has been in Perth. Nevertheless, he called the doctor a commie after yet another warning to seriously knock this shit off.
Good luck at the Exmouth Eclipse Ron.