An ageing millennial has finally taken the plunge and deleted his FB account after yet again the social media platform ruined his day by reminding him he used to be happy.
Logging on at 9 a.m., Perth man Simon was on the hunt for some Floptus memes when the incident occurred. He told The Times,
“2010 photo of me shirtless in Ibiza. Sigh. This has completely ruined my day, yet again. Look at the younger me, great hairline, abs, and not a care in the world except when I was going to sneak in a few hours of sleep before dancing with beautiful women in the sun again”
In contrast, Simon’s day will consist of 8 hours of stroking his boss’ ego for the same pay he was on 5 years ago because according to the wankstain boss “everyone has to do their bit in these hard times”.
Accordingly, Simon deleted his FB account to ensure this juxtaposition of realities never happened again. He continued,
“It happened last week too. A photo of moving into my first share house with mates. Had some wild times there. Now I share a house with a screaming little infant who reckons sleep isn’t very important to me”
We contacted FB to ask them why they thought people needed such an egregious reminder of what life used to be like when the sun was always shining.
They responded by acknowledging that precious memories can be distressing at the wrong time and asked if sending people photos of their frenemies looking like shit would help. Adding,
“Our algorithm is very accurate and we know exactly who gives you the shits. So we can engineer that to make sure you see plenty of content of them looking atrocious. Like that kid who gave you a hard time in school is now a balding real estate agent with ugly kids. That’s heartwarming”
You may have cracked the code FB.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?