Like a cheeky nip slip, a floppy hat is scientifically proven to increase the #blessedness of an insta post by 25%. A lifetime of failing to accumulate any whimsy, culture or vogue can be solved by slapping the fabric equivalent of an elephant’s poon-cave on your head.
To spot such a flopper in the wild one only needs to find their nearest festival, elaborate gourmet picnic or beach. They will often appear in packs or a “blessing of basics” as they are known.
While you’re flopping about like Dumbo remember that there are certain responsibilities that come with donning such headwear. First and foremost, you must pose for every photo like you were starring in a perfume ad.
These poses include looking at the ground mysteriously, looking back and slightly down mysteriously or alternatively, tilt the hat down slightly to hide your eyes. Basically, the aim of the game is to look as mysterious as a Perth drivers love for dropping down 20kph when they enter the Graham Farmer tunnel.
Secondly, it is against the flopper code to admit the hat is often impractical. WA has a habit of producing winds that would put the aftermath of Huey’s burrito night to shame. Not a favourable weather event for a hat that’s essentially a yacht sail.
This provides a golden opportunity for onlookers as they watch in delight as girls try to salvage their photoshoots while their hats are attempting to launch itself like an inflatable pool in suburban Perth.
Thirdly, when wearing the hat you have to really drink your own bathwater. Guzzle that shit down. If you haven’t tried to pass off an experience you had on a 2 week Euro Contiki as “authentic” then you ain’t trying hard enough.
Similarly, you have to be able to convincingly tell people that you exude culture. It’s not a piss-up, it’s a bottomless brunch. You’re not at the festival to smash MD, you’re there to experience a musical journey. Don’t just post inspirational quotes, BECOME one.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?