Welcome to sunny Freo! While it’s technically part of Perth you really couldn’t find a more foreign land within the metropolitan sprawl. Strap yourself in and prepare for an experience as you transition into your new life in Fremantle.
1. Choose a faction
The City of Fremantle is surprisingly diverse. So you’ll have to choose if you want to be a wannabe-Golden Triangle North Fremantlian, an O.G culture loving central Fremantlian, a faux-hippie South Fremantlian with way too much money to be a true hippie or a priced-out faux hippie who settled into Beaconsfield/Hilton (also priced out of chakra capital Hami Hill).
2. Pick a side
Once you’ve picked your faction you’re going to need to go one or two ways. Either romanticise the suburb to the point of delusion or become a back-in-the-day hater who blames every woe on Freo on the prevalence of paid parking. Choose wisely.
3. Say goodbye to your old friends
The day you actually move to your new Fremantle accommodation you should say farewell to all your friends & family because you are unlikely to see them again for some time. Getting anyone to come visit Freo is a bit of a mission so accept it’ll always be you copping that $80 Uber to meet ya mates for dinner every year. More on this HERE.
4. Don’t get overly attached to your bike
When it comes to Freo you can’t like “own” a bike, man. They belong to the world seemingly. Accordingly, if you insist on clinging to this outdated idea of non-socialist bike ownership you will be sorely disappointed after a few weeks in Freo. Just let it go, man. More on bike socialism HERE.
5. Have a post backfire on Freo Massive –
Speaking of crime reports. You aren’t a true Freo local until you’ve let your entitlement show and got absolutely creamed on the premier Freo FB group – Freo Massive. To ensure this rite of passage, make sure your gripe is self-serving, minor, and easily rebutted. You got this baby.
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6. Become intolerant
One doesn’t simply move to Freo and be able to tolerate all the foods they were able to tolerate before. To properly fit in, you’ll have to develop some bullshit food allergies.
After all, you don’t want to be that total arsehole sitting at a South Freo cafe consuming toasted white bread and COW MILK coffee. Jesus. Can hear the pitchforks waving just thinking about it.
7. Become an expert on traffic bridge design
Have you got a degree in civil engineering? No? Good. That’s the perfect starting point for your foray into traffic bridge design.
To be a true Freo resident you’ll need a strong opinion on exactly how the redevelopment of the traffic bridge should look. Or be a real purist and advocate for the rotted hazard to remain as is and let drivers simply run the gauntlet each day.
8. Join the South Beach car park war
Another key area of contention you’ll need to adopt as your own is the situation around the South Beach car park. As this will likely be your primary beach (North Freo residents may attempt to join the GT beaches of course).
Get clued up on the issues – backpacker vans, the local yacht club locking their gates, and of course, the great injustice of not being able to create your own park due to your right to go to the beach.