You didn’t complete half a pysch degree to do HR half-arsed. Incorporate these innovative HR strategies today to demonstrate your worth in the HR game.
Hot desk musical chairs – in HR land, hot desks are an amazing productivity tool where an employee is not guaranteed the same desk they sat in yesterday. Why stop there? Really boost that productivity with random music throughout the day where employees are mandated to wander aimlessly until it stops and that’s their new desk. Didn’t get a desk? Fkn stand you sedentary sack of shit! You’ll get a chance at a desk when the music starts again.
Snitching loyalty card – these things work so well at the local cafe so why can’t they work for you and your HR department? Every 10th time an employee informs on another they get an RDO. Incentivising snitching is the number one focus of any HR manager wanting to progress in 2023. More on being a filthy snitch HERE.
Tracking devices for people who want to work from home – If the HR Manager is Saint George then working from home is the dragon. A mighty beast you must slay. Sure you could just ban the practice but that’s far too quick a death. Really drag out the suffering by enforcing an employee geotag system to make sure they don’t go nuts and run a personal errand on the company’s time.
Team building day performance reviews – you love the way your employees look like Clive Palmer’s proctologist after a fun team building day humiliating them in public. So really tighten the clamps and then force each employee into an hour-long performance review. Measure key metrics like joy, enthusiasm, and bonding. Then enforce disciplinary procedures for failing to hit those KPIs. More on team building nightmares HERE.
DISC tests segregation – everyone loves the corporate horoscopes that lowkey inform every decision an HR manager makes. So, take it to the next level by enforcing strict DISC-segregation in the office, perhaps making employees wear coloured bibs? Policing communications is a great way to get those seek.com searches churning.
Enforce a TikTok dance policy – could there be a more unholy, disgusting union than HR and marketing teaming up for the worst fkn policy of 2023? It will give you a chance to strong-arm unwilling employees into painful TikTok dance routines to make the workplace look fun and appealing to zoomers or someshit.
Ninja/rockstar/etc – you know what the problem with vague job descriptions is? They aren’t vague enough. In 2023, you need to be offering less and less in terms of “clearly defined responsibilities and obligations”. After all, the more vague you make the job description the more shit you can make someone do because it’s not outside said job description *man tapping head meme*.
Wall of shame – what’s good for the local IGA goose is good for the HR gander. No one wants to see their face on the wall of shame so they’ll try extra hard to avoid it right? You’ll be smashing your staff discipline KPIs while creating the easygoing environment of a Russian gulag.
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Yellow sticker system for casual Friday – casual Friday is all about expressing yourself within the clearly defined corporate guidelines. After all, you don’t want people ACTUALLY being themselves. That could lead to genuine happiness. Instead, incorporate a yellow sticker defect system that employees must address immediately or wear a sack of shame.
Incorporate a clear agenda for after-work drinks. Always be present – this is a big one. After work drinks are a primary location of positive emotion. Not on your watch. Ensure you attend every single one of them and give each member a clearly defined agenda of what will be discussed. Footy? No. Weekend plans? No. Administrative qualms and next week’s work objectives? HELL YEAH. More on after work drinks etiquette HERE.
READ MORE: The Human Zoo – Ms HR Manager
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?