Goon is truly one of the great equalisers in Australian society. Nearly everyone who likes a tipple has crossed paths with a sack of fermented grape piss at some stage in their lives.
To accept goon, one must first accept that you’re not buying it for its tasting notes. Nor are you buying it because it pairs well with a lovely bit of brie. You’re buying it because it’s one of the cheapest ways to get pissed in the game. 4L for about $12.
It’s not surprising that given it’s affordable price tag it’s a big hit with inexperienced and over experienced drinkers alike. Most Aussies will first get their taste at a house party or foreshore.
Much like dogshit, goon varies in how much it’ll make you gag. Not all goons are equal and Fruity Lexia seems to be the choice for the discerning drinker about to wage war on their stomach lining.
If Coolabah is your poison then you can rejoice in the fact it comes in a 5L variety too. Ultimately, they all taste a bit different but will lead you straight to wet mattress town anyway. Don’t overthink it.
Goon is typically enjoyed straight from the nozzle but if you’re a coward you’ll probably mix it with some kind of juice and pretend it’s a type of mimosa. You’re lying to yourself.
For people who really lie to themselves, goon is a fantastic addition to really pad out the party punch they are trying to make look fancy with nicely cut fruits. Dress it up anyway you like, you can’t full hide that winning goon taste.
Then again, people who normally smash the communal punch are the cheapfucks who didn’t bring any booze of their own, so they are getting exactly what they deserve.
Perhaps the most popular use for the beloved goon sack is for a game of goon of fortune. It doesn’t get more Australian than strapping goon to a Hills Hoist and spinning it to see who must partake like a clumsily footed calf sucking upon it’s mother’s udder.
It’s a perfect game for the over-consumption of goon because you have ample padding if you fall over and cleaning up the inevitable chunder couldn’t be easier.
It’s rare to find a drink that is attached to as many good memories as memories that make you dry retch – and for the icing on the cake, you can use it as a pillow if you don’t quite make it to your bed that night.
Don’t beat yourself up over it, you wouldn’t be the first.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a goon cask, ay?