There comes a moment in every flog’s life where he must ask himself “am I painful enough to be around?” If the answer is no, then one might choose to incorporate the phantom gut punch into their repertoire. Move over Randy Savage, there is a new macho man in town.
Now before we get into what this manoeuvre says about a person we first examine the tools in your cuntbox that you’ll need to properly pull off this new persona.
Firstly, you’ll have to adopt the school of thought that arm sleeves, Tren use and penchant for the gear on a Crown Towers weekender will make up for those inches you lack in various bodily height & length departments.
Similarly, you’ll need to base both your entire personality & social life on the UFC. Remember, every poorly executed MMA move you do at the pub takes you a step further away from the bullying you received at the hands of older kids during your formative years. Getting a mate trying to enjoy a froff in a full nelson sure beats therapy.
Are you personally an expert in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu? No, but you can certainly make someone a friend just introduced to you to flinch by deploying the gut punch. Serves them right to have their guard down in a friendly social environment!
Next, one can’t simply fake gut punch without following it with some shameless name dropping of underworld figures and 1%’ers that you claim to know. Always check over your shoulder just in case there is someone who could call you out on your bullshit is around.
Now, you have ticked the right boxes, it’s time to learn how to deploy the fake gut punch to best effect. Here are some guidelines to follow:
- Always endeavour to have as much as an audience as possible, especially hot chicks who will be needing a fresh change of undies after witnessing it;
- Never take any accountability for things the person may drop when shocked by the move, it’s not your fault they are a puss;
- Never apologise;
- If they call you a farkwit get extremely defensive and serious. It’s important for them to know you were just joking and if they can’t handle it you’ll glass them;
- Never deploy it on someone bigger or fiercer than you, that’s not your style, go and track down that manlet from before.
If you follow these basic guidelines then you’ll likely be able to keep your crippling insecurities at bay for another decade.
Remember, you didn’t choose the fake gut punch life, the fake gut punch life chose you. Once you accept it into your life there may be no return.
Sure, 90% of acquaintances that meet you will avoid you at social events but YOU’RE the alpha dog. That’s important to some people.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?