A local corporate pest and self-proclaimed Linkedinfluencer has dug deep this afternoon to land a knockout blow to the jaws of every other corporate blowhard vying for those Linkedin reaccs.
At around 3 pm, John had the awful feeling that he wasn’t the biggest shitstain on social media for the day. So he dipped his cuntbrush in some beautiful oil cuntpaints and took to Linkedin as his canvas. Writing,
“There was a homeless man who sat by the entrance to my building.
He reminded me of myself as a young man.
Each morning he’d ask people for change.
I saw others throw him some dollars. The actions of followers. I am a leader.
I told him, I’m not going to give you dollars but I’ll give you some sense.
I then called the police to have the man removed and arrested for possession of a controlled substance. Change.
Change of scenery, change of circumstances. change of goals. Change.
Years later I got a tap on the shoulder while ordering a latte. It was him.
Only this time he was in a suit. He told me he was an accounts manager and I changed his life.
He gave me his card and through our relationship I saved my company 15% on B2B sales for the quarter.
Moral of the story? Don’t sit around waiting for your bottom line to change, make it happen”
We spoke to John who still had the biggest shit-eating grin this side of the Swan River plastered over his face. He told The Times,
“I like to think of myself as a modern Jesus and Linkedin is where I write my parables. that really happened by the way. Well the part about me getting him locked up anyway”
While the post certainly got him over the line it was looking pretty shakey early on. With one of his contacts telling The Times,
“He did a post in the style of announcing a new job but he did the ol switcheroo and actually made it about changing his mindset in his current job. He obviously thought that was pretty profound but it struggled to gain any traction”
To make matters worse, a rival had got some very decent engagement by leveraging his wife’s fertility issues in a post about what happens when your growth targets aren’t meeting your expectation.
We asked John if he was ever concerned he wasn’t going to be able to outcunt that post. He told The Times,
“It was a good post. Using your loved one’s deepest source of pain to get 150 likes. I mean I thought I was toast but when you come at the king you best not miss”
No doubt about that John.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?