A man has left the public in a state of wonderment this afternoon after very nearly eating shit on some uneven paving.
It wasn’t the act of getting his shoe caught on the raised concrete, nor was it his less-than-graceful stumble forward but it was the complete lack of emotion he showed.
A witness at the scene told The Times,
“It’s always a bit of a shock and a little embarrassing so the common etiquette is to look back at the offending section of pavement and shake your head in disgust. It lets everyone know that you’re perfectly good at walking and it was forces outside your control that caused the pickle”
Other witnesses described the man as “inhuman”, “having ice in his veins” and “potentially a serial killer” based on his lack of reaction.
We managed to track down the man who was nursing a mildly stubbed toe and scuff mark on his shoe. He told The Times,
“I’m sick of the uneven paving having control over me. You know what? It happened so I moved on. Why look back in anger? Why give the shitty piece of pedestrian infrastructure that power”
He made some good points. Despite quoting Oasis.
In the interest of getting to the bottom of whether he had ushered in a new era of pedestrian empowerment we spoke to a distracted-looking bloke walking with his head glued to his phone screen – the perfect target for uneven paving.
We asked him if he’d consider adopting the way of free walking and not be enslaved to the shame & indignity of the trip. He told The Times,
“Nah I like to know my attacker. Then I have a 5 second rage period where I type out an angry letter to the Council before thinking fark it life’s too short. That’s how I was raised”
Excuse his pun.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?