A Baldivis man was feeling equal parts bored & nostalgic this afternoon when he decided to load up a trolley full of toilet paper to see if he could start a little something something.
As soon as he had expertly positioned the last jumbo pack on his stack he could feel paranoid eyes burning a hole in him from every corner of the store.
We spoke to Rob who said he had “no regrets” over the toilet paper feeding frenzy that ensued. He told The Times,
“I could hear the murmurs. People wanted to know what I knew. I think COVID really engrained a toilet paper survivalism in people’s minds so if they see someone stocking up on the spicy cough currency they go into panic mode”
At first, an old couple played it cool and headed over to the aisle to discreetly load up a second trolley.
Seeing a second full trolley of toilet paper was the ignition this powder keg needed. A witness at the scene told The Times,
“It was a frenzy. Elbows flying, women screaming, children crying. This one bloke made it out with 4 full trolleys of toilet paper. He even ripped his shirt off and defied anyone to grab a single roll off him”
Staff had no idea how to react and even attempted to impose a 2 packet per person limit. Alas, the screeching hysterical threats of taking this to A Current Affair saw them drop the limit and let the animals tear each other apart.
All told, 3 ambulances, 8 police cars and a pressure washer was needed at the scene. We asked Rob if he was still happy with himself. He told The Times,
“Oh yeah, I’ve still got it baby. When will society learn not to be hoarding mouthbreathers?”
Valid point.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?