An ageing millennial has finally succumbed to the tidal wave of pressure to give up on fashion and has washed up on the shore of Crocs-land.
His disillusionment with his own sense of youth began many years ago when New Balance suddenly became “cool”.
It was something his brain couldn’t compute alas he preserved with prevailing trends for as long as he could – rocking Vans, Nike, Converse and even Birkeys.
Yesterday at 10 am, that all changed. Tired of shouldering the weight of contemporary style, Kyle decided to give in to his deepest desires. He told The Times,
“I looked at them and yearned for comfortable, all-terrain footwear. I don’t care that they make me look like I’m banned from going within 5km of a primary school. I wanted them and I got them”
After adorning the hideous rubber clogs, Kyle was born again with a sense of freedom. No longer did he have to worry about what people thought of his shoes. He already knew.
Naturally, the decision to Croc-up didn’t come without some blowback. He suffered relentless mockery and even an unmatching on Bumble.
According to Kyle, this was mere collateral damage and all part of his metamorphosis to fully embracing the DGAF lifestyle. He added,
“I was looking for something to wear to the shops the other day and I came across a promotional Jack Daniels shirt that I’d scored from a bottlo 5 years ago and I said, you know what, that’s a good shirt, why shouldn’t I wear it?”
To complement the Kwinana-chic style he also adorned himself in a fresh (4 year old) pair of cargo shorts. After all, why shouldn’t he enjoy all the convenience of being pocketed up the wazoo?
Needless to say, what Kyle lacks in style now he makes up in swagger. Go well, big orse and live your best life.
RELATED: What Your Choice Of Footwear Says About You
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?