A Perth man has finally destroyed the last remaining thread he shared with his distant ancestors by actually purchasing a bunch of rosemary from Woolies today.
Of course, humans haven’t been a hunter-gatherer culture for 12,000 years, there is still a little flame in our souls that appreciates the virtue of a good forage.
Some even speculate the act of pinching some rosemary from the neighbour’s front yard is the bastion of survival instinct most of us have. Apart from the communal understanding we should drink from the yellow fountain should we run into trouble. Thanks Bear.
Nevertheless, Matthew was hit with a profound ancestral sense of shame after sending the rosemary through the self serve checkout. He knew he’d disturbed a very ancient force in the universe.
We spoke to Lucy who witnessed Matthew waltz into the fresh herb section and grab rosemary like it was the most normal thing in the world. She told The Times,
“I thought he was kinda cute while browsing the brushed potatoes. Looked like a man who knew what he wanted and would happily forage for it. Then I saw him go to the rosemary and I won’t lie my evolutionary wiles completely froze up. It was a big turn off on a deep, instinctive level”
A man who was examining cauliflowers at the time also said he noticed the atrocity. He told The Times,
“How we have strayed from the eyes of god. If I was stuck on a desert island with this guy I’d eat him immediately. Tits on a bull mate”
Matthew defiantly defended his decision to purchase rosemary, telling The Times,
“So rosemary farmers are chopped liver are they? I support all my farmers plus if you’ve seen what people are doing these days you’d be very suspicious of any publicly accessible plant”
Matthew has a point. We don’t have the figures on how many rosemary bushes have wild oats or a golden spray added to their taste profile but that’s the world we live in.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?