Mounts Bay Road truly is an all you can eat Perf-et. It is hard to think of another small stretch of road that albeit beautiful packs as much pure, painful Perth realities as this mighty thoroughfare.
If you’re driving on Mounts Bay at the right time, you may get a glimpse of an elite group of smug fitness yuppies who believe a workout isn’t truly a workout unless you can tell everyone you did it at Jacob’s Ladder afterwards.
A truly breathtaking spectacle that will only fill you with a deep existential shame that you aren’t living your life 1 staircase at a time and instead are suckling on the sweet nectar of a 500Ml can of Baldivis Baby Formula (Monster).
Apart from Jacob’s Ladder, the city portion of Mounts Bay Road is fairly uneventful. That’s until you pass the random park that appears to only facilitate those who need a quick lay down after getting too farked-up en route to god knows where.
At this stage, you will encounter a two-lane roundabout that despite its simplicity still manages to create confusion in the hearts & minds of Perth drivers – especially as the outer lane also presents a merge situation, the horror.
This section of Mounts Bay Road is a fantastic place to get caught in a savage bottleneck whichever direction you’re choosing to go. Alternatively, if you really want to know what being public enemy no.1 is like, try having a little bingle in this roundabout and set people’s commute times back an hour. Woah nelly, you’ll cop an abuse burger with the lot.
If you think it’s all smooth sailing after the roundabout then you are sorely mistaken. Welcome to the distraction belt of Perf. It is a fertile feeding ground for gawking fucksticks who don’t know where to look like a baby watching Baywatch.
First, you have the inner city cougar catwalk on show. From tradies to toey Uni students, the post-chardonnay activewear creates a hazard to every leerer, jeerer and creeper who happens to find themselves unable to resist the spectacle.
Secondly, Eliza often has a sign or some shit written on the shirt she is wearing today. Attempting to read from a distance is another fantastic way to rear-end someone harder than Johnny Sins.
Thirdly, you have that goddamn blue boatshed. It’s hard to not be distracted at the baffling popularity of this landmark as you gaze upon tourist and bridal parties seeking to make their big day unique by getting the exact same photo as every other bridal party.
Finally, if you’re a particularly special Perth driver there is always the chance you and your automobile will end up in the river. How? Fark knows. Why? Because you gotta.
Of course, it’s not just cars you have to be wary of. You must also be on high alert for one of the most prolific speed cameras in the game. This bad boy has flashed so many people you’d think it was hidden in a trenchcoat.
Not to mention the pain you feel when you gaze at an empty bike line while you get blocked by the tour-de-Perf. Switching lanes is all but a fantasy on Mounts Bay so you’ll just have to sit there and take it.
Should you manage to clear the distraction belt then you’d better turn off at Winthrop Av if you know what’s good for you. As all that lays ahead is Stirling Highway. A place where dreams go to die.
All things considered, it’s hard to think of a worst road with a better view in Perth. That’s an award of sorts. Congratulations Mounts Bay.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?