One day you’re young & beautiful and the next you are getting bombarded with floppy man-noodle & balding head ads on your social media. Some lean into it and get really keen on lawnmowers. Others, like Grant, went the electric skateboard path.
If Grant had to pinpoint the exact moment he decided he needed less skin from his knees & elbows, it would’ve been the look his Bumble date gave him when she worked out she’d been catfished up the wazoo.
Grant maintains he’s still the spitting image of that 2015 photo of himself looking tanned & ripped while holding a dhufish. Alas, 7 years of a mild drinking problem may have had himself looking in the mirror with amber-tinted glasses.
Anyway, her loss, she missed out on the best 10 minutes of her life provided he didn’t have to wear a franger. There’s nothing more softening than hearing the crinkle of the latex as you thumbpack your softy into an unimpressed recipient.
So, he took action and bought an electric skateboard off FB Marketplace. During the exchange, the seller asked him if he’d ridden one before. Grant scoffs, “mate, don’t worry about me, I was born to ride”.
The seller rolls his eyes in a “what a tosser” kinda way as he reminds him he’ll need a helmet and some knee & elbow protection if he knows what’s good for him. However, Grant doesn’t know what’s good for him.
Before having a crack, Grant decides to post to his socials about his new purchase. Making very clear to point out he’s not a e-scooter riding nerd. He was the Kelly Slater of the foothpath and you were all about to be blown away.
Instead of learning the ropes in a safe environment, Grant decides he has no time to waste in creating a gushing Tsunami in the she-cavern of every girl who saw him zoom by. So he took it down to the foreshore.
He immediately lulled himself into a false sense of confidence when he could roll at a low pace with a fair degree of ease, “I’m a fkn natural”, he thought as he slowly began to build up speed.
Alas, momentum can be a cruel mistress and Grant soon learned that the real trick with electrical skateboarding isn’t using the throttle to do all the work for you, it was learning how to stop.
A lesson he learned well when he attempted to zip around a South Perth cougar and her daughter. Having misjudged the swerve he was forced to brake abruptly launching him towards the pair like a wacky waving inflatable man with electrodes attached to his plums.
The impact nearly knocked the botox out of the cougar’s face. While she indeed yelled at him for a solid 2 minutes, Grant knew she was secretly craving it. Yearning to saddle up with this concrete cowboy. This renegade, this bad boy.
God, he felt alive. He spent the remainder of the day making every female on the foreshore want to put themselves up for late-life adoption – because they just found their new daddy.
And given both Grant’s wrists were in intense pain now, he was going to need a “hand”. A sentiment he communicated via the medium of the greasy wink to any onlooker who gazed upon him rolling.
He returns home that night with two sprained wrists, a good number of grazes, and a suspected concussion. He’s admittedly in a bit of pain but that’s the price you pay to be the one your mumma warned you about.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?