Tobias’ personality is like the backwash in the bottom of a Dom Perignon flute: affluent yet altogether unpalatable. Combined with a head even a mother could punch, he was destined to enter the world of tech startups.
While on his 3rd Rotto glamping trip for the year Tobias was struck with an epiphany. Why slave away at father’s company for $200k a year like some bottom feeding peasant, when he could be his own boss?
After several more lines of Perth’s shittest coke he realised he had an app idea that was going to change the game. No, it was going to reinvent the game. Actually no, it was going to change the way games are even fuckin’ reinvented.
AirBnD (biatches & dick) an app that hooks bros up with a spare couch or nearby bedroom to seal the deal with the slurry they picked up at a nightclub. Users charge out their spaces and then claim a 15% wet patch tax for cleaning. Genius.
Tobias returns to Perth and executes Plan A to raise the capital for the app. After his impassioned pitch, his father silently leaves the room and books himself in for the next possible vasectomy.
Without father’s backing, Tobias will need to get the attention of movers & shakers with a hella trendy GoFundMe video. The end result is a 5-minute collection of buzzwords that contains more wank than the CEO of Kony 2012’s public meltdown. “Change the way you slay, AirBnD, and the D doesn’t need to be silent winks Harvey Weinsteinishly.”
Unsurprisingly, the video is met with praise with the kind of knuckle-draggers who get their news from the BroBible, and absolute bewilderment from anyone who doesn’t resemble a walking lobotomy. The general consensus: gross.
All the haters weren’t seeing his vision. Is wasn’t just some bullshit app that didn’t solve a problem that no one really had. It was a GAME CHANGER. How many times does he have to tell you that?
Tobias manages to raise $2000, which predominantly came from his mother who agreed to chip in if he would stop calling himself the Zucc of Pussaaaay. He blows the entire load on a ping pong table and bean bags for his uber-cool office (garage).
He wrangles a nerd with promises of a 20% share in the business and the sloppy seconds from the guaranteed hoards of women that will be attracted to such a cunterprising young go-gettter.
After several weeks, Tobias realises he may have underestimated the work needed and the eerie clarity of sobriety helps him see how heinous his app idea was.
Accordingly, he loses interest and asks father to help him get that damn nerd off his back that keeps demanding payment for his “weeks of work”.
Oh how the desperate revolt him.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?