In the 70s Gladys was Australia’s finest women’s lawn bowler. Alas, she was always at odds with the game as she secretly hated the fact her bowls had to have the same symbol on them.
Despite this burning hate, she was named Australia’s all-time best Lawn Bowler in 2010 and had a rink named after her. She lived a life at the top, so the fall to retirement was harsh.
She needed a purpose, and when she sat on the shitter of life, it was God that stuck his schlong through glory hole of inspiration. Faith had handed her a popper, and she inhaled a whole fuckload of hallelujah.
Not content to be a run of the mill god-bish, Gladys wanted to become one of those scary pentecostal insane ones. In 1994 she made a name for herself by decreeing abortion and bum-banditry abominations before the lord in her first sermon as a minister.
Now despite morality advice from the Church being as useful as an avocado on toast recipe from a homeowner, Gladys had managed to form a large flock. She now had what she needed to create more friction in the homosexual community than a GHB fueled lesbo scissoring session.
In 2013 she literally vomited when she heard the news that a talented lawn bowler had birthed a child while in a same-sex relationship. While her maid cleaned up her righteous stomach bile, she embraced the medium of the crackpot: the letter to the editor.
She made it very clear that while she was happy, a baby was born, it was an abomination that it be deprived of a father. Furthermore, untraditional marriage would be the leading cause of harm to a whole generation of children, and Gladys would be damned if she was going to let the gaybos take that title from the Church!
In 2017, Gladys was watching her stories when she saw a good Christian soldier cream pie the CEO of Qantas over his stance on same-sex marriage. The homophobic bravery almost jolted her out of menopause. She had to take action.
While having thoughts of sin about her cream-pie lothario, she pens another letter to the editor. This time, she says she is kind of boycotting their airline. A partial boycott is about as useful as a dick on a priest, but hey, they found a use for that, didn’t they?
What Gladys didn’t expect though, is now she was fighting her cause in the era of offence culture in the age of the rainbow FB filter. Needless to say, in just 24 hours her reputation was crucified like her best mate Jesus.
“Nailed it” Gladys.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?