You don’t stay at 5-star resorts in over 2 Asian countries without picking up a little something about Asian cuisine, sweetie. In fact, Vanessa’s culinary tastes were as oriental as an Australia Post parcel full of A1 baby formula.
Of course, she never dared stray into the authentic Asian street food. How could one trust their 3rd world standards? She wasn’t going to be fooled into dining on a shish ke-pup, she is after the bao not the wow.
Accordingly, the Night Noodle Market at Elizabeth Quay was the perfect place for Vanessa to strap on her culture-bib and start spluttering shit about what she reckons about the food on offer.
Within minutes of entering she is holding up a sizeable line for Gyozas with “some questions” she has. These range from their food safety practices to which region of Japan their Gyozas are “meant to be from”.
After finally shutting the fuck up she takes her cardboard tray and wooden fork to a photogenic patch of grass and spends the next 7 minutes trying to take the perfect shot for her Instagram. By the time she is ready to eat they are as cold and depressing as a Melbourne beach.
She savages the snack on her post, “having actually been to Japan these Gyozas were a real let down, 5/10 it’s a Toky-no from me #foodie#japan#gyozas#ieatbetterthanyou”
Next up is a trendalicious serving of bao. Now, she doesn’t get her bao expertise from actually visiting Hong Kong, rather a 3-hour stint in Changi Airport on her way to Thailand. Close enough. Like the Iron Chef of airport stopovers, she prepares to judge.
Given that all the culinary plebs are salivating over the bao trend she feels she needs to channel her inner Mulan and give the dish a swift Cunt-Fu chop to let it knows who is boss,
“bao is really tough to get right, it’s all about the dough and this one didn’t RISE to the occasion hehe. Nowhere near as good as the baos I’ve had in the past and hellllooooo? Portion size? 4/10#hawkergirl#toughcritic#thisgirlknowsfood#wanderlust#foodtourist”
Thank goodness you attended the markets to help these experienced chefs finally get their cuisines right Vanessa.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?