News that the company that owns Rivers (as well as Noni B) has gone into voluntary administration has sent shockwaves through the dorky dad and suss uncle communities.
Many within these protected communities are fearing they may never get a pair of jorts or cargos that fit their unusual bodies ever again if Rivers closes down.
Accordingly, the men of Australia have pooled their resources to offer a bid to take over Rivers and return it to the middle aged community.
We spoke to one uncle who conceded that Rivers was his Mecca and he wasn’t in a financial position to upgrade to be a Gaz-man just yet. Adding,
“Mate, the secrets to my success all lay within the four walls of a Rivers. See this faux-Hawaiian shirt? That got me a warm smile at a Groovin the Moo I went to when I was 43”
Similarly, a dorky dad who “gave up” about 5 years ago said the Rivers polo shirt was the perfect garb for disguising the telltale sign of the sweet drippings from a Bunnings snag hitting his chest. Adding,
“This is D-Day for men like us, so we rallied the troops and everyone threw in a little bit they saved by doing their own patios at home and we have an impressive bid”
There you go.